Dear James
by JMLHCPKSfan
Summary: After her mother's tragic death, 15 year old Sierra goes out on a limb and writes James Maslow a letter. She doesn't expect him to write back, but when he does, she finds a great friend with amazing advice in him. Even when her life starts to spiral out of control, James is always there to write to her, tell her everything will be okay. Rated T for self-harm and suicide.
1. Chapter 1

**Warning: In case you missed it in the summary, this is gonna be a sad story. But I'm trying to get a point across about self harm and suicide! You should read it anyway, cause it's gonna be good and I know a lot of people can relate to it in some way! Enjoy! :)**

* * *

_Dear James,_

_I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I'm a huge fan. If you're reading this now, thank you. I know you have a lot of letters to read and I'm glad you chose mine._

_I guess the main reason that I'm writing to you is because my mother told me to. Well… It's hard for me to talk about, but she and I were huge fans of you. Well, my mom has cancer. Had cancer… And on her deathbed, she took my hand, smiled up at me, and said "Cici, make sure you tell James I love him." We used to listen to Big Time Rush and sing along in the car. We even went to a concert together last summer._

_That was the last thing she said to me, other than "I love you". I had always been too chicken to write to you. But what was I supposed to do?_

_So hi. My name is Sierra and I'm fifteen years old. And my mom loved you. And I love you, too._

_Lately I've been having a really hard time coping with my mom's death. We were really close, obviously, and she always told me that she would get better. That death wasn't an option in her book. Well, in that last conversation I had with her, she told me "I'm sorry I lied to you." But I don't consider it lying. She had no way of knowing that the cancer would ultimately lead to this._

_Anyway, your music helps me a lot when I'm feeling down. Sometimes I'll just randomly start to cry and I'll turn on one of your songs. I listen closely to the lyrics and they make me feel so much better._

_So thank you for being you._

_Love,_

_Sierra_

* * *

Sierra wasn't sure that James would read her letter. She hoped so. She hoped that he would send her a letter back, giving her advice on how to feel better about her mom's death. But she also knew that he was a busy guy with mountains of fanmail. She doubted that he read ALL of it and responded to all the letters.

James Maslow was a member of a boyband. Big Time Rush. There were four other boys in the group- Kendall, Carlos, James, and Logan. Of course she loved them all, but James was her favorite. It was probably something to do with the fact that he was the tallest of them all, the most muscular of them all, and the prettiest (although it was tough competition). He had dark hair that changes every year. Over the four years that they have been a band, James has gone from a long, girlish look to a slightly shorter look that still covered his ears to a short do that was cut above his ears, and now it was short and pushed back, completely out of his face. He had the dreamiest hazel eyes. Only fans knew that they were hazel: anyone else would think they were just brown. But all fans knew that if you looked close enough, they were green, too.

After putting the letter in the mailbox, kissing it for good luck, she slowly walked back into her house. Her house which was messy and gloomy and just all around depressing. She didn't want to be home anymore. Her dad just locked himself in his room all the time, only coming out for food and to use the bathroom. Sierra hadn't seen him for days, but last time she DID see him was a bad experience. He had sunken eyes, a full beard, unkept hair, and a horrid odor that followed him everywhere.

It had been a month since Sierra's mom passed. Sierra was slowly picking herself up and doing things- mostly going on walks to get out of the house. But her dad, who had been married to the woman for 25 years, hadn't been so lucky. He didn't talk, didn't cook, didn't clean, didn't even check on his daughter. Just sat in his room and did God knows what.

Sierra decided to try to clean up a little around the house, but found it to be a difficult task. Her mom's stuff was everywhere- that's why it hadn't been touched. Because it was too painful to throw away that plastic spoon that Sierra's mom had used, or to wash and give away that hoodie that her mother had worn and left on the couch.

Sierra finally gave up and went outside, laying on the hammock and feeling the cool Kentucky breeze and the birds singing. It was summer, but it was a cool day. Kentucky weather was weird sometimes: extremely bipolar. She wondered what James was doing at that moment. Three o'clock? Hmm... Maybe he's just chillin' with Fox. Seems like it's the only thing the guy does.

Fox was James Maslow's dog. An Alaskan Klee Kai with one brown eye and one blue eye. Although James had a steady girlfriend, Fox seemed to be the only being he loved unconditionally. Sierra wished she could spend a day with James and Fox. They were adorable together and Sierra knew that she could wow James with her awesome dog skills.

She sighed, closing her eyes. She would never know what he was doing at that moment. And he would probably never read her letter.

* * *

"Fan mail." James sighed as Halston Sage, his blonde girlfriend, dropped a huge bag of envelopes and packages on his floor. "Fox doesn't like fan mail." Fox, who was laying on his chest, looked up at his daddy and cocked his head at the sound of his name.

"I think YOU'RE just too lazy to read it." Halston said, cocking a brow.

"Read them to me." James pouted. "Pwease?"

Halston sighed and took a seat on the floor, opening the bag.

"Dear James," Halston read in a mockingly lovey voice. "I really really really really really love you. Marry me, please? I want to have your children-"

"Okay, maybe this wasn't a good idea." James laughed, making Halston give him a "no shit" look. James really liked spending time with Halston- she was a great chick- but he wished they had what Carlos and Alexa had.

Carlos Pena, James's band mate and one of his best friends, had been dating Alexa Vega, an actress, for quite a while, but not near as long as James and Halston. Yet already they had gone on a cruise together and everything- even lived together. They had a genuine love for each other that anyone could see. James just wished he had that with Halston, but he knew it wouldn't be likely to happen. Halston was young and immature, not quite ready for what James wanted.

Halston tossed the letter aside and sifted throught he bag, searching for one that DIDN'T have hearts written all over the envelope.

_Sierra Weston_

_9022 Greenwood Drive_

_Georgetown, KY_

Halston tore it open and read the letter from Sierra aloud, at first in a mocking tone that slowly faded into a normal one.

"I think you should write back to this one." she said seriously.

"And say what? Sorry your mom's dead?" James asked seriously. "She didn't even ask any questions- she's not expecting a response."

James normally only replied to the ones that had GOOD questions and talked to him in a civilized manor. He loved all his fans, but he could only take so much "I love you! Will you marry me? I want your seed!". His fans knew he loved them and they LOVED embarrassing him when they video chatted on live interviews- asking which one of his bandmates he would date if he could and asking him to marry them and even asking about sex.

"This girl's obviously really bummed about her mom. Just write back and tell her you're sorry for her loss and sign at the bottom! It would probably cheer her up a lot, knowing you care.

"Okay. Put it on the table and I'll write back." James said, turning his attention back to Fox, who was licking his face.

* * *

Sierra turned on her iHome as she entered her room.

"Looks good in a dress, even better in a sweatshirt. My car is a mess, but she don't mind-" James Maslow sang immediately. She loved the song, "Amazing", from BTR's new album, "24/Seven". She knew he as probably singing about Halston, but it was okay. James sang a lot in it and his voice always amused her. His talking and singing voices were just so different- she wondered how he did it. "Singin' oh yeah, I'm lovin' that- the way she makes me feel. Singin' oh yeah, she's so rad- this is just unreal-" he sang. Yup- this was a James song. Only he could pull of saying "rad" and "dope" all the time.

She changed into her PJ's and laid in her bed, staring up at the Big Time Rush posters on the ceiling, which was slanted, and the walls. They always cheered her up. Sometimes when she was sad about her mom, she would imagine the guys just jumping out of one of the posters and standing on her dresser, singing "You're Not Alone" to her, from their second album, "Elevate". She liked that song, liked listening to the lyrics and knowing that even if they didn't know her, they still cared about her.

The letter she wrote had probably arrived by now. She wondered if what she wrote seemed like a pity letter. She was willing to bet that a lot of fans made things like that up just to get James to write them back, when in fact their parents weren't dead or they weren't orphans.

* * *

"I dunno what to write!" James wined to Halston, who was on the couch playing with Fox. Logan Henderson- James's bandmate- was over now, too. Logan was probably his best friend of all his bandmates- he didn't know why. They just got along really well.

Logan came out of the kitchen with a leftover burger that James had, munching on it.

"What're you talking about?"

"Read this fan letter and tell me how to respond." James suggested, holding the letter out to his friend. Logan took it and his eyes ran over the neatly written letters as he chewed the burger. After finishing it, he sat down beside James at the table and thought a while.

"Dear Sierra, I'm glad that you're such a big fan and I'm sorry for your loss-" Logan began, looking up at James and tilting his head to the paper. James nodded and began writing.

* * *

_Dear Sierra,_

_Thanks for writing! Yeah, I have a lot of fan mail, but I try to at least read them all. Yours especially caught my attention and I wanted to reply._

_I'm sorry for your loss. I know it's hard to lose a parent when you're so young and I'm glad that you wrote to me. I hope that when you get this letter you cheer up. The important thing to remember is the good times you and your mom had. Like going to the Big Time Rush concert with her and singing in the car. Your love for my band was something you two shared and I hope that you hold tight to that. Treasure it._

_I'm glad that you're such a huge fan and I'm glad that my music helps you out. We try to make our lyrics pretty universal so that anyone anywhere can relate it to their lives in some way. I always love to hear when I help a fan through a tough time through my music._

_Hang in there! It'll get better! I'd love to hear your story sometime- I'll be sure to look out for another letter. :)_

_James Maslow_

* * *

"You did the right thing. I know you don't really like reading through this stuff and responding, but you're gonna make this girl's life a little brighter. And I'll read her next letter to you if it means you actually being engaged." Halston laughed, kissing his temple from behind as she read the letter over his shoulder.

"I dunno- I think I might actually like talking to this girl." James shrugged. "She doesn't gush too much."

"That's what he said!" Logan sang. James and Halston shot him a dirty look, causing Logan to raise his hands in surrender. James secretly wanted to laugh- it was a good joke- but Halston didn't appreciate crude humor. He'd have to congratulate his friend on the joke later.

* * *

**So this isn't gonna be a long story, but it'll be a sad one. But read it anyway! :) **

**I tried out a new writing style in this one. Did you like it better than my normal one? I'm just being more detail-y and stuff. Sorry if you don't like reading that much! :)**

**Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

Sierra stepped into the school on that first day, feeling all eyes on her. She knew she looked bad- no makeup, looking too skinny, clothes a little too small. It didn't help that everyone knew about her mom. She got some sympathy smiles, some hugs, and a few cards. But the thing that impacted her the most was the whispers. The stares.

Her classmates weren't used to seeing her this way. She used to be the girl that always dressed nice, always had her hair in some cute fashion, and wore makeup in a modest tone. She was always smiling, always laughing, always socializing with people she didn't even know. Everyone knew who Sierra was because she was friendly to everyone. Even the outcasts.

But now she WAS an outcast. The girl whose mother was dead. The girl who was practically raising herself. The girl who kept her eyes down, mouth shut, and feet moving. She was no longer fashionable, cute Sierra. She was now Sierra- wearing jeans and hoodies, hair either up or down, no in between. No longer did she say hi or wave to everyone as she passed them. No longer did she have people surrounding her locker as she got her books. No longer did she have people asking how her day has been.

"Hey, Cici." her old friend, Rachael, said cheerfully, giving her a hug. "I missed you!"

"Hey, Rachael." Sierra said, not lifted her eyes.

"I'm sorry about your mom. How're you holding up?" Rachael asked. She had gone to the funeral and comforted her friend, but hadn't talked to her since.

"Fine, I guess." Sierra said with a shrug. "It's been a month and a half."

"Yeah. I know." Rachael sighed. "It'll get better."

Sierra gave her a quick glance before nodding and going to class.

Most conversations happened that way. "Sorry about your mom" "How're you holding up?" "I hope you feel better soon." She didn't like it. She didn't like talking about her mom all day- it stirred up a lot of sadness in her, so much so that as soon as she got out of school, she let it all out. She cried in her seat on the bus- nobody questioning it.

When she finally got home, she picked up the mail from the mailbox before going inside.

Bill. Bill. Junk. Bill. Junk. Junk. To... Sierra Weston?

Sierra sat everything else down on the table, going up the her room. There was no name or address in the corner of the envelope, which was weird. She went into her room and plopped down on her bed, tearing the envelope open.

* * *

_Dear Sierra,_

_Thanks for writing! Yeah, I have a lot of fan mail, but I try to at least read them all. Yours especially caught my attention and I wanted to reply._

_I'm sorry for your loss. I know it's hard to lose a parent when you're so young and I'm glad that you wrote to me. I hope that when you get this letter you cheer up. The important thing to remember is the good times you and your mom had. Like going to the Big Time Rush concert with her and singing in the car. Your love for my band was something you two shared and I hope that you hold tight to that. Treasure it._

_I'm glad that you're such a huge fan and I'm glad that my music helps you out. We try to make our lyrics pretty universal so that anyone anywhere can relate it to their lives in some way. I always love to hear when I help a fan through a tough time through my music._

_Hang in there! It'll get better! I'd love to hear your story sometime- I'll be sure to look out for another letter. :)_

_James Maslow_

* * *

As she read it, her heart thudded, breath quickened. James Maslow actually wrote her back? This was... Quite possibly the best day of her life.

_He wants to hear my story? _Sierra thought to herself. She assumed he meant the story of her mom's death and how she'd been lately. But right now... She just couldn't focus. She took the letter and raced down the stairs, bursting into her dad's room.

Going in there wasn't forbidden, but it was something Sierra had only done a few times since her mom's death. Last time the lights were off, her dad sitting in the bed, TV on but muted, curtains together. But this time when Sierra entered, the lights were still off, TV still on but muted, but her dad was at the window, looking out.

"Dad!" she said excitedly, making the man slowly turn to her. He had shaved a while ago but the beard was growing in. He didn't have his glasses on and was in nothing but his underwear and a t-shirt. "Dad! James Maslow sent me a letter back!"

The man gave his daughter a grave look as he read the letter.

"You told a complete stranger about your mom?" he growled. "How could you?"

"Mom wanted me to!" Sierra said helplessly.

"Do you think this man wants to actually hear about your problems? He's just being nice because you told him that your mom is dead." her father snapped. "I wouldn't send him another letter, Sierra. Don't torture him."

Sierra's heart sunk, knowing that her father was probably right. James had a lot going on in his life- he didn't want to hear a bumming story about a fifteen year old's life. But it got to her that her dad was yelling at her for this. The man hadn't seen his daughter for weeks and yet he still scowls at her for dumb reasons. Her dad was usually supportive and loving. But her mother's death had killed that "dad" and brought on another one.

"I guess you're right." she finally said. "I'm sorry for bothering you."

Her dad nodded and turned back to the window, which only had a view of their back yard. Sierra slowly crept out of the room, closing the door quietly and going up to her room.

So she wouldn't write another letter to James. Her dad was probably right anyway- he was just being sympathetic. He didn't actually want to hear about her life. He was James Maslow, for God's sake. He had better things to do.

* * *

Sierra thought about the letter every day that week. She wanted to write back so badly... But she knew she shouldn't.

After school one day, she walked to the graveyard instead of boarding the bus. Going through the rows of gravestones expertly, she found the one that said

"Elizabeth Marie Weston  
June 15, 1973 - July 23, 2013"

She sat there, leaning on the stone, butt on the somewhat new dirt, which was sprouting new grass now.

Her mom would want her to write back to James. Want her to take this opportunity to try to get to know the guy, cause who else could say that they had? Maybe if she wrote back, she'd tell him that he didn't have to respond, that she would understand if he didn't.

"Thanks, Mom. You always have the best advice." Sierra said, jumping up and running home.

* * *

_Dear James,_

_Thanks for responding. I know you didn't have to, but I'm glad you did. My dad told me that I shouldn't write another letter, and I wasn't going to. I didn't want to bother you. So I just want to let you know that it's okay if I don't get a letter back. I'd understand._

_As for my story? It's pretty long._

_I was thirteen when my mom got cancer. She always assured me that she'd get better. She was only 38 at the time, so she was determined to live longer. After her first year of treatment, she started feeling better. The doctors said that she was a survivor, so we assumed she was okay. It only took three months for it to come back. They had to remove a lot of her organs and replace some and do lots of surgeries. But through it all, she still insisted she would be okay. Six months after it came back, she was doing really badly. She died in her sleep, but she knew it was coming. She made sure to take the time to tell my dad and I goodbye. And to tell me to send you a letter._

_I know she'd be really excited to know that you wrote back. I think somehow... She does know._

_My life now... It's not so good. Since my mom passed, my dad barely comes out of his room. I cook and clean and take care of myself. Every Monday I find a twenty on the kitchen table- for food and whatever else I need, I guess. The time he told me not to write back to you was the first time I had seen him in weeks. But at least he was out of bed. He was looking out the window. At nothing but the back yard, but I was just glad he was up._

_And school hasn't been much better. Everyone knows about my mom and they whisper about it. Stare at me. The usual. It doesn't help that last year I was the polar opposite of what I am now. I always dressed nice and looked good, always talked to EVERYONE, had lots of friends. But now everyone just feels awkward around me. The only person left is my friend, Rachael, but she's just too cheery for me to tolerate. I feel bad for pushing her away when I need her most, but I don't seem to be in a social mood lately._

_Sorry to bum you out with my story. Like I said, I don't expect a letter back. But thanks for listening. It made my life._

_Love,_

_Sierra_

* * *

She sent the letter, wondering yet again if he would read it. She kissed it for good luck before leaving it in the mailbox.

* * *

"What was that girl's name that wrote to you about her dead mom?" Halston asked, holding a fan letter weeks later in James's bedroom.

"Eh..." James thought about it. He was on his phone, which is what he did a lot. On Twitter or Facebook or making a Keek. When he wasn't at rehearsal or the studio or photoshoots, he was glued to his phone. "Sierra... Something. Weston! That's what it was."

Halston tossed the letter onto his chest and he put his phone aside, tearing it open.

"Read it out loud." Halston suggested.

James did so, hazel eyes sweeping over the words with intensity. After he finished, he tossed the letter aside and rubbed his eyes.

"She's fifteen, Halston." he groaned. "And she's got a dead mom and a dad that doesn't care."

James was deeply effected by this story. Of course he cared about everyone, but his Rushers especially. Without them, where would he be? Who knows? And when he read about Sierra's life, it broke his heart. He wished he could DO something.

"What do I do?" James asked, rolling over to look helplessly at Halston.

"You send her a letter back. And something else."

"Like what?"

"Why don't you get a t-shirt and have the guys sign it? Something like that." Halston suggested. "That's what's gonna make her know you guys care."

"Good idea." James nodded. He knew it wouldn't be hard to get his hands on a BTR t-shirt and have the guys sign it. If they read the letters, they'd be happy to do it.

* * *

**Review! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

It was Tuesday afternoon when Sierra got the unexpected package. She was exhausted from the day at school and a little annoyed that she had more homework than time. Sometimes she just wanted to... Give up.

She had gotten off the bus, heavy old backpack weighing her down, and stopped at the mailbox to pick up the mail, as usual. Just more bills and more junk mail. She kept telling herself that she TOLD James Maslow not to write back- she shouldn't expect a letter! But she couldn't help but hope.

She reached the front door, seeing a brown box in front of it. Not a big one, but about the size of a shoe box, addressed to her. Again, there was no return address, and this got her heart leaping. She knew that James never put a return label on his stuff because he probably wrote from home and didn't know the fan mail address off the top of his head. Once inside, she excitedly tossed her backpack aside and retrieve and knife. She sliced the tape carefully and opened it to find a letter on top of something wrapped in tissue paper.

* * *

_Sierra,_

_After reading about your friends and your dad, I found myself wanting to help you. But it occurred to me that the only way I can help you is to keep writing to you and hope you write me back. I know you're in a tight spot right now and I know it feels like you're alone, but you're not. I'm here. And I hope you don't mind, but Halston and the guys are here for you, too._

_I know that it's hard for anyone, no matter how old, to get over the death of a parent. But ESPECIALLY a girl your age. At your age, you need your mom more than ever- to guide you through life. I know it's hard, but hang in there._

_It may seem like your dad doesn't care about you anymore, but I believe that no father can honestly say he doesn't care at all about his kids. Everyone mourns differently and even though you're getting out there now and slowly coming back to life, you have to remember that your dad had been with your mom for a long time and it's not something you can just get over like that. But I DO think that if he doesn't start coming out of his room soon, maybe you should consider calling someone. Like and aunt or uncle or a grandparent or even a friend. It would be better to stay with them than at home where you're not being taken care of. It's a scary move, I know, but it may be necessary._

_As for everyone at school? They probably don't know what it's like to lose someone so close to them. They don't understand why you are how you are now. And your friend, Rachael, seems nice. I know you talk to ME, but I'm across the country from you. You should try talking to Rachael, since she's available anytime face to face._

_Halston suggested I send you a gift to make you feel better. I hope you like it- it wasn't much work on my end, but I thought any Rusher might like it._

_James _

* * *

In the box was a black BTR t-shirt with their faces on it and on the back was the summer tour schedule. On the front, next to the appropriate faces, were four autographs.

Sierra's mouth dropped open as she realized what value she held in her hands. Any Rusher would LOVE to have what she had right now. And James had cared enough to get it for her and send it. How many Rushers could say that she was friends with James Maslow?

* * *

Sierra was in her room, listening to, of course, Big Time Rush, doing her homework. She was getting flustered because of her Algebra 2 homework. It was the only subject she struggled in, but she had no way of getting tutoring. Her dad, who had gone to college, COULD help her, but he wouldn't come out of his dark room. And she COULD stay a while after school to get help from the teacher, but she wasn't supposed to walk home- school safety rule if you live more than a mile away- and her teacher would surely see her walking.

So she sat in her room every day, struggling with homework, until she got hungry and decided to make herself some type of food. Then she would sit around some more, or maybe go for a walk, until it was time to go to bed.

But today she was starving. She she just left her homework there and went down to the kitchen, where she looked into the almost empty refrigerator and cabinets. Literally the only thing there was to eat was a can of black-eyed peas, which she reluctantly cracked open and started eating.

"Knock knock!" came a sing-song voice. A head popped into the kitchen and Sierra actually smiled when she saw her Uncle Rod.

Uncle Rod was Sierra's dad's brother, looking a lot like her dad, but skinnier and with less grey hair. He was always cheery, always smiling, and absolutely loved Sierra. This was the first time he had stopped by since the funeral.

"Hey." she smiled, getting up to hug him.

"Oh Lord, kid. Are you eating BEANS?" Uncle Rod asked, worried. He turned to the cabinets and fridge to find nothing else. "Where's your dad?"

"His room." Sierra shrugged. "As usual."

"Has he even come out?"

"Not that I've seen." Sierra said quietly. Uncle Rod slammed a hand down on the counter and made of his brother's bedroom. Sierra's appetite suddenly left as she heard the door slam shut and yelling coming from the bedroom.

She didn't know what the fighting was about, but she could bet it revolved around her. She heard "Get it together!" and "Your daughter is eating BEANS!". A little glimmer of hope shone through her as the thought of Uncle Rod forcing her father to DO something occurred to her.

Finally the door opened and Uncle Rod plastered on a smile for Sierra.

"C'mon, Honey. You're gonna stay with me for a while." he said. "Pack up a few bags."

Sierra's heart both sunk and lept.

It was good that she was going to live with Uncle Rod because she would actually have food to eat. Someone to talk to. Someone to help with homework. Someone to buy her school supplies. And Maggie, her 17 year old cousin was there.

But she was also afraid and sad. She had now lost both her parents- even if her dad was gone just temporarily.

She packed up some clothes, toothbrush, iPod, chargers, and a picture of her, her mom, and her dad.

"Ready?" Uncle Rod asked.

Sierra was following him out when the poster beside her door caught her eye. James.

"Oh, wait." Sierra burst, going back into the room, reaching under the bed, and taking out the box that James had sent her, which contained the letters and t-shirt from him. "Okay. Ready."

She took one last look of her room. The room with white walls covered in posters of the four smiling boys that she had come to know and love. The bed, with the pink blanket and pillow on it, which were unmade. The closet, with clothes neatly hung in it. The dresser with a jewelry box and knick-knacks and stickers on it. She hoped she would come back to this room for good someday- she had grown attached to it over the years.

* * *

"I'm sorry about your dad, Honey." Uncle Rod said sympathetically as they entered his little house. "We had an agreement that if he got out of control he'd call me to come get you. Guess that didn't work."

Rod had taken Sierra out to dinner, where she told him all about what has happened since the funeral. Even the letters to James. He didn't know who James was, but was supportive anyway.

She was shown to her new bedroom, which was the guest bedroom, next to her cousin, Maggie's room, and was left there for the night. It was really small and the blanket on the bed was just an old, musty quilt. The white walls were barren, the closet and dresser empty, and the smell of dust was everywhere. It left her feeling even more sad and empty, like the closet and dresser. She decided that she would write to James before bed- that would make her feel better.

* * *

_Dear James,_

_I don't live at my old house anymore. Today my uncle, my dad's brother, came and took me to his house... I'm not sure if that's good or bad. But anyway, if you send anymore letters, send them to the address on this envelope._

_I guess it's good I live here now. My Uncle Rod and I are pretty close and I know he'll take care of me. And my cousin, Maggie, who's two years older than me, is here, too. So it won't be so lonely. But I can't help but feel like I've lost both my parents now. Like I'm an orphan. It hurts, you know?_

_Thanks for the shirt. I really do love it. It was really thoughtful of you (and Halston) to send it._

_Everyone keeps telling me "It'll get better", but I don't think it will. So far it's only gotten worse. I guess I'm less sad about my mom, but now I've got more problems in my life. Before Mom's death, she and my dad and I were pretty close. I'm an only child, so of course we were. We'd go out to dinner and do fun stuff together. But now any time I try to talk to my dad, he's always angry at me. Like you said, though, he's still mourning and he can't help it. I'm kind of glad I'm out of that gloomy house now, but I miss it already._

_Love,_

_Sierra_

* * *

Sierra hoped that James wouldn't toss the letter aside once he saw that it had her name but not her address. She hoped that he didn't think it was just a girl with the same name as her. But he DID say that he read all the fan mail.

James had said "All I can do is write to you and hope you write back." Does this mean he was going to keep writing to her? She didn't like that this type of mail was so slow. Guess that's why it's called "snail mail", right? But there was no other way of talking to him. He couldn't give out his phone number or email address, because no matter how much he trusts a fan, they could always give that information out. So all she had was the address to the place he worked, where all the fan mail for all the guys went.

She addressed the letter and put it aside, having to wait till the next day to get a stamp from Uncle Rod. Sierra then laid under the musty quilt, lights off, but didn't sleep for a long time. There was too much on her mind.

* * *

**So I need assistance. **

**How does Sierra bring up the fact that she cuts herself to James? Cause, you guys know cause of the summary, she's going to probably soon, but James needs to find out somehow and I dunno how the heck she's supposed to bring that about. Any ideas? I'm thinking maybe she sends him a picture of her and he notices the cuts? It's not the best idea, so any better ones?**

**Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

It had been a month and a half. Another Saturday with nothing to do. Sierra was extra depressed that day, when she realized that James hadn't written back when it was implied that he was going to. She wondered if the new address threw him off and if he even read her letter. She was in her "room", which she had snazzed up with a single BTR poster over the bed, doing homework.

Uncle Rod had helped her with Algebra 2 a little, and Maggie was a rebellion seventeen year old that refused to help. She couldn't focus on that day- couldn't focus on what she was doing. She was getting frustrated because she knew it was all wrong, but was too angry to check over her work.

"Cici, Honey? Come out here!" Uncle Rod called. Sierra sighed and put her pencil down to exit the room. Rod was at the kitchen table, fingers in a pyramid as he thought.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"Sit."

She sat there in the wooden chair in front of the wooden table. She had grown to like this house. It wasn't sad or gloomy. It was small, but well decorated and finely cleaned.

"Your dad isn't showing any sign of getting off his ass and coming to get you." Uncle Rod said seriously.

"I noticed." Sierra whispered.

"What do you think of me being your guardian? Legally?" Uncle Rod asked quietly, watching his niece skeptically.

Sierra thought about this.

"I don't even know what that means." she finally said, looking up at her uncle.

"It means your dad isn't responsible for you anymore- I am." he said.

Sierra shrugged. She was pretty numb to everything legal, not knowing what any of it meant.

"Okay." she said. "Whatever."

"Okay." Uncle Rod nodded. "Sounds good."

He got up and turned to the sink, where he was doing the dishes.

"I'm going out, Dad." Maggie said, stopping to stand behind Sierra. Sierra's cousin was the stereotypical teenaged girl. Makeup, low cut shirts, skinny jeans, straightened hair, bad attitude.

"With?"

"What does it matter?"

"WITH?"

"Jake." Maggie gave in.

"Be home by eleven. I mean it. I'll be waiting." Uncle Rod said, turning to his daughter, then back. Sierra got up from her seat and her cousin caught her, staring at her t-shirt.

It was the first time Sierra had worn the autographed t-shirt, the only time she even planned on it. But she felt like she needed the comfort today, so she wore it.

"Big Time Rush? Is that some boy band?" Maggie asked.

"Yeah."

"How old are you?"

"Fifteen."

"Boy bands are lame." Maggie said. "The hell?"

"Maggie!" Uncle Rod scowled.

"It's true. They're gay I bet." Maggie said before leaving.

"Don't listen, baby. She used to LOVE NSYNC." Rod said reassuringly.

Sierra shrugged and got up, making it seem like she wasn't affected by Maggie's cruel words. Like any other Rusher, a blow to BTR was like a blow to her. She made her way to her room, shutting the door tight and laying on her bed.

She began thinking. Thinking about EVERYTHING.

Mom was gone forever, never to hug Sierra or sing another song again. She may not be seeing Dad for a long time. She may not even be going back to her old house again, if Uncle Rod were to be her legal guardian. Maggie, for loss of other words, was a bitch. Everyone at school kind of ignored her now- except Rachael, who she can't stand anymore. Funny- she used to be just like Rachael. She was slipping into a depression and yet nobody seemed to care. James had stopped writing her letters.

She began to think that if James HAD written back, she may have told him EVERYTHING going through her mind. He could help... She knew he could. He he WOULD. But he didn't write back. She couldn't blame him- he was famous. He had a TV show, a new album, meet and greets, a tour, concerts, interviews, EVERYTHING to worry about. He didn't have time for snail mail.

Nobody seemed to have time for her. Uncle Rod, sure, but just after work. Even the teachers at school didn't have time to give her a little extra help during class. She felt more inferior than ever at that moment. Like she was just a grain of sand on a huge beach, way at the bottom, never to see the light. Never to get stepped on or played with. Never to be worth anyone's time to wash off of their feet. Never to be formed into a beautiful castle. Never to be carried out to sea on a surfboard or someone's foot- never to make the journey every grain of sand dreams of making. No- she didn't matter that much. She was at the bottom. Of everything.

Sierra knew what her mom would say if she was there for that moment.

"Sadness is just an illusion. A way of thinking. If you just pick yourself back up and put a smile on your face, all your problems will go away."

Would a smile bring her father out of his room? Would a smile bring her mom back to life? Would a smile make her better at Algebra 2? Would a smile make Maggie less of a bitch? Would a SMILE make her life better? No.

She thought back to the lyrics of "Na Na Na".

"When you're feelin' like the world is sittin' on your chest, don't let it get to you."

_HOW, James Maslow? HOW am I supposed to not let my horrible life get to me? _

Sierra wished she was one of those people who was positive through everything. Didn't let things affect her so deeply. But she couldn't stop thinking about her cousin's words about BTR. Couldn't stop thinking about her mom. About changing guardians. About being in the background of everything.

Yes, it DID feel like the world was sitting on Sierra's chest. But what was she supposed to do? These were the cards she was dealt. There was nothing she could do to make it better.

"Sometimes you gotta stand back and take a breath, from a different point of view."

She closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath and letting it out. It felt good- she hadn't done that in a long time.

A different point of view.

Her dad's point of view. He had been married to Sierra's mom for more than twenty years. Been with her for longer than that. It must have been painful to lose her just like that. He was still mourning. To Sierra it seemed excessive, but it really wasn't to him. And he had allowed his brother to take his only child because he knew it was best. Not because he didn't care about his daughter. Not because he was sick of her- the way she resembled her mother... Right?

Sierra got up and went to the bathroom, closing and locking it. She stared at herself in the mirror.

Wavy long dirty blonde hair. Blue-grey eyes that, instead of joy and happiness like they used to, held "HELP ME!" sign and deep sadness that nobody could understand. A slim complexion, which didn't used to look so unhealthy. Pink lips, pretty thin, but still beautiful. They used to always hold a smile. Always be bright and sunny.

Yes, she looked just like her mother used to. Maybe that's why her dad was so angry with her when he saw her...

But her MOTHER was beautiful. Always full of light and glowing. Well, up until the last few days.

But Sierra... She hadn't held up her mom's looks so well since those days. She was too thin, cheeks caving in, eyes guarded and sad, hair never made. If her mom couldn't live on through her daughter, who could she live on through?

"I'm sorry." she whispered to herself in the mirror, tears welling up in her eyes. It was more to her mom, to her dad, to her uncle, to Maggie, to the people at school, to the teachers, than to herself.

No, she couldn't apologize to herself. SHE was the cause of not only her problems, but everyone else's. Her father's anger. Uncle Rod needed to pay for another mouth to feed. Maggie not getting the attention necessary from her dad. Teachers spending long nights grading her papers. People at school feeling awkward. She had even been bringing JAMES freaking MASLOW down with her depressing story and taking his time for reading and writing. Everyone had better things to do than deal with Sierra. Everyone wanted to just- HURT her. But they couldn't.

So she would.

She moved to get the razor from the bathtub that she used for her legs and brought it to the sink. Using the end of a floss stick, she pried one row of razor blade out. It was small, but sharp- she had never used it before.

Yes. She would punish herself. For what? For being. That's it.

She pulled up her sleeve and placed the razor just below the elbow, glancing up at herself in the mirror. There was no fear in her eyes. Just a "Do it already" look. She took a deep breath and turned her attention back to the razor, which she dragged across her skin. It only made a little white line. Hm... More pressure.

She tried again, this time with more pressure. She gasped as the pain spread through her arm, a ribbon of red oozing after the blade. She bit her lip as she dropped it, tearing off some toilet paper and pressing it to the cut.

_Don't be a baby. This isn't for YOU. It's for everyone else._

She took the toilet paper away and picked up the razor, sitting on the floor. She re-positioned the razor just below the first cut and tried again, making a longer line this time and watching the blood spill out of it.

It hurts. Yes. But that's the point.

"Cici? You okay in there?" Uncle Rod called.

"Yeah." Sierra said, realizing she was crying. _Don't be a baby. This isn't for YOU. It's for everyone else. _She reminded herself.

"Sure?"

"Just getting ready to take a shower." she said, getting up. She wrapped the razor in toilet paper and hid it in the back of the cabinet under the sink. She then turned on the water and stripped down, stepping into the hot water.

She hissed in pain as the water stung the slices in her arm.

_You deserve this pain. You're bringing the whole world down._

* * *

"Cici! You got a letter!" Uncle Rod called from the kitchen after work. Sierra got up from her bed and threw on her sweatshirt. She didn't want her uncle to see the cuts, which had started with two below her elbow, but spread to her wrists over the course of two weeks.

She emerged from the room quietly and stepped into the kitchen. Her foot creaked against the floor, making her uncle jump.

"You're so quiet lately. Like a ghost." he laughed, handing her the letter. She often thought this herself. She was a ghost. A shell of a person. Didn't really feel much of anything anymore.

Sierra looked down at the letter- for the first time in two weeks, her heart jumped. She recognized that handwriting- recognized the label-less left top corner. James had written her back.

She took the letter into her room and tore it open as she sat on the quilt on her bed, pulling up the sleeves to her sweatshirt because she was getting hot.

* * *

_Sierra,_

_I think it's good that you're living with your uncle now! At least now you have someone to take care of you, right? And you have Maggie to keep you company, so that's good._

_Maybe sometime soon your dad'll realize that he made a mistake by letting you go and you'll go live with him again. I can't imagine how hard it's been for you lately- I love how strong you're being. It takes a lot of courage to be so young and go through all you've been through._

_But it's important to look at it on the bright side. Look at the positive things going on. You get to live with your favorite uncle now. You're being taken care of at his house. You're not so sad about your mom (though I don't think that sadness ever completely goes away). You have your friend Rachael. You have me- which, not to toot my own horn, is pretty dang cool. PLUS, I hope you don't mind- I'll stop if you want me to- Halston and the guys have been really interested in your story and read your letters to me. You've got the t-shirt I sent you. You've got lots of people who love you, even though you might not know it._

_I'm sorry this letter was so late. We're going on tour in just a few days, and by the time you get this, we'll be on the road. I've been going crazy with all the rehearsing we've been doing, plus the planning and scheduling and spending as much time as possible with Halston while I can. But I finally got around to writing to you. And I won't stop writing to you unless you flat out tell me to. _

_When we're on tour, I don't wanna lose contact with you. So here's an email address that we all use for fanmail. {email address} I'll be sure to look out for an email with the subject of... Macaroni Toes. That's our code word, okay? The most random thing I could think of. :D That way I'll know it's REALLY you._

_I put a picture in here, too. The guys wanted you to have a one-of-a-kind, so that's why. It might be lame, but I hope it reminds you that we're here for you. :) I'd love for you to email me a picture of you. Not to be creepy- but I'd love to know what you look like._

_Love,_

_James_

* * *

She set aside the letter and got out the picture, which had been developed and had autographs on the back. It was just a picture of the guys standing there, smiling. Kendall was giving the camera two thumbs-up. Carlos was making a heart with his hands. Logan was sticking out his tongue and crossing his eyes. And James had his brows up, cheeks puffed out.

Sierra smiled at the picture. It really was a one-of-a-kind.

She got out her iPod and turned on the camera. She hated the girl that appeared there. Maybe she should at LEAST brush her hair.

After yanking a brush through her hair and deciding it looked good enough, she quickly snapped a shot of herself before she had too much time to hate her own image. She smiled, of course, but she felt like James would notice how forced it was.

With that, she emailed it to the address that James sent, the subject being, of course, Macaroni Toes.

* * *

_James,_

_Thanks for the picture- it's adorable._

_After a month, I kinda figured you weren't writing back. But I understand that you've been busy- it's okay. _

_So the picture is of me. Like you wanted. Sorry I didn't snaz myself up more..._

_Anyway, your letter cheered me up more than I have been for a really long time. I'm having a hard time lately, with everything. My uncle asked me a while ago if he could be my legal guardian. I don't know when, but apparently that's going to happen. And my cousin, Maggie, said that boy bands are lame and all this... It really got to me. BTR is the only thing that's been consistent in my life lately, so it really brought me down. Plus my dad hasn't even called to check up on me. I don't think I'm going back, even though I want to. Not that I don't like it here, but it's just not home. It never will be._

_You remind me a lot of my mom. That sounds weird, but she always told me to look at the positive side of things. I tried to, but that only brought be down more because I couldn't think of very much positive. But thanks for the gesture anyway. Thanks for talking to me period. Not many people do that lately._

_Love,_

_Sierra_

* * *

**I'm sorry if this is boring, but I think it's necessary.**

**One of my best friends was kinda like Sierra is. She always used to act all down and stuff, always used to cut her legs. We had seen the cuts, but she insisted that it was an accident. She even told us that she used to be bulimic. But my friends and I were too stupid to see.**

**At the end of the school year, she missed a Monday. Nobody knew where she was- we figured she was sick. Come to find out, she was at the mental hospital for three days because she told her mom that she wanted to kill herself.**

**The worst part was that I was supposed to go hang out with her that weekend, but the plans fell through. I just think... What if she had gone through with it? I could have prevented everything if I was just THERE that weekend. I just can't imagine if she HAD killed herself... And I could have prevented it. **

**I know there's a lot of you guys cut yourselves and want to die and all this, but I can tell you right here right now. It affects everyone around you more than you could think. It scared the shit outta me when my friend told me this whole story. **

**TELL someone. Get help. Cause my friend goes to therapy now. She only has scars on her legs now- she wears shorts all the time. She even got the courage to die her hair BRIGHT PURPLE. She smiles and laughs and invites us over all the time. **

**I'm here to tell you that the sooner you get help, the sooner you can live again.**

**And if you don't... Something drastic might happen. You might actually go through with it- actually kill yourself. **

**A girl in my town, who goes to my school, who's just a year older than me, just drown in a river that's popular for swimming- Tuesday. Facebook is CLUTTERED with "RIP's" and "I miss you's". If you DO kill yourself, it affects everyone. It scares the shit outta everyone. EVERYONE cares at least a little- I promise. Even people who don't know you.**

**I wrote this story to open people's eyes. Both people who suspect someone who's cutting or depressed or suicidal, or people who actually ARE.**

**Not because I'm suicidal or ANYTHING. I promise. I just have a lot to share about the subject.**

**Anyone else have impactful stories? I know sarahc1995 shared! :D (She always shares. She's my favie.) ;)**

**If you don't wanna share, it's cool. But if you do, just sayin', I'm gonna copy and paste them in the beginning of the next chapter.**

**Review! (sorry this was a super long chapter)**


	5. Chapter 5

**mrspena71112: ****_I use to cut all the time but since I started liking BTR I do it a lot less. :) (that's all I'll say. My story is pretty long)_**

**MackenzieBTRfan1: ****_One of my friends and I used to be really close. I loved hanging out with her but her mom and two older sisters threatened me every single time they saw me, saying that they would call the policeand say I was threatening to kill her. She's about a year younger and lives two doors down from me. I stopped hanging out with her for a while but still talked to her at school and on the bus. I switched schools one year because I was getting bullied and needed to get away from everything. I lost contact with her but got my sister to tell me how shes doing. 3 months ago, my sister ran home yelling at me about something I didn't understand. when I finally calmed her down, she told me that my friend had been cutting and got sent to a mental hospital. When she got out, I skipped school so I could talk to her. I ran to her school and found her talking to my sister. I listened to their conversation and found out that she had been cutting ever since I switched schools because I protected her from all the bullying that was happening to her but I couldn't do that anymore. I got to hang out with her and told her that there was nothing I could really do. I was going to continue what I was saying, but she ran away before I could. I ran after her and broke into her house when she locked me out. I found her in the washroom with open cuts all over her arms, legs, and some on her stomach. There was a knife beside her and she was passed out. I called an ambulance and she went to the hospital. Later on I was told that I saved her life because if it had waited 2 more minutes, she would be gone. I've visited her at the hospital every day since then and her mom and sisters stopped being so evil. Just yesterday I found out that she's coming to my school next year so I can look out for her again. Im moving back a grade so I can be in the same grade as her. But that, was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me._**

**CoverGirlRusher: _My Story: Everything started in 7th grade,I got bulllied ,laugh at on every single day. They never had a day when they would not do it. I have though 1 BEST friend,she's in the same class with me,my classmate. So to everyone who's get bullying and you think this is the end of the world,you're alone,you're sick of your life,sick of their lies,Just remember nothing bad last I'm here to prove it,I got bullier for 2 LONG year,I cried myself to sleep,I was sad and I almost want to give up,but I didnd't do it,and this is what I'm proud of,I still kept the hope in myself that this will gonna end. And BTR's music was the only love what I got,beside my mom,family,cousins and my relatives. I was honestly on the edge of giving up but every single time when I had it,BTR's You're Not Alone and Invisible give me that strenght to continue my fight,for my life and don't let them tear apart my life. _  
_The most determining moment was when one day I was searching trough the net, and I found a page,( )Then I don't even know how,I began to messaging with James, then in the next week Kendall made himself a own profile,so I was talking with them when I only had 1 month of this school. I do not exaggerate when I say,they were EVEN meaner with me in the last month,but when Kendall said : " How can they do this with a one cute,pretty,nice girl? I wanna punch them...3" and when I said to him what they did with me several times,when I wanted a big Kendall hug he answered (i copy in) I need A BIG Kendall's hug! :'(( I listened A-team and I broke down really badly...I HATE EVERYTHING...I HATE THAT THEY CAN ALWAYS MANAGE TO MAKE ME FEEL TERRIBLE! Then Like nobody's around,here I am again crying,watching your poste,wishing that you would be here&I could be in your safety arm:( CoverGirlRusher/He's answer : BIG Kendall's hug...enter...sent :) don't say that :( Then don't feel terrible! Ignore them!You're Cover Girl!3 awwn3 I am waiting you to came in my arms! "_  
_Because of them I have a great life,I feel pretty,I don't think anymore negatively and I could go on. :)The prementary school is ended,I will go next year to high school and I'm so excited for it :)!Becuase of them I know,I live once,and the world is for taking._  
_And I wanted so badly a choose 180 necklace cause the Schmidt family inspired me,so I wrote to them a letter and Momma Schmidt said it would be a honor if she could send me some products,so I'll receive soon a necklace and a T-shirt,for free,cause I live FAR from LA 3 And I asked them if it wouldn't be a problem and she said,its okay,so yeah,if you still feels like youre live is falling apart my only advice is " DONT GIVE UP,SOON YOUR TIME TO SHINE WILL COME '" ! Much LOVE to everyone who's having these problems like me,_  
_( I also self harming and I try to stop,but its so so hard,But i don't give up;) _  
_#StayStrong #RememberThere'sAlwaysSomebodyWhoLovesYou _  
_P.S Sorry if I take it too long,but I had to share with you guys,I think this can be an inpiration for everyone:) xo xo_****_  
_**

**I'll post more if I get more. I have to say, this story is WAY bringing me down.**

**SO, I've decided to alter the ending.**

**And I WARNED you guys in the summary and the beginning that this was gonna deal with self-harm and suicide. What the heck did you THINK that meant? I know it's a WAAAAY depressing subject, but it's a powerful one. I wanted to get it the point out there how scary it can be and if you're a Rusher and you do it, well, you'll see how I think BTR would react. I can't even imagine hurting myself on purpose, but that's just me. Imma baby.**

**So another story of my own, then I'll actually write the chapter.**

**My older sister, who's in her early twenties, is a lesbian. A few years back, she had been with this chick forever, but they broke up. My sister, as you can imagine, was extremely depressed. One night she went to my mom and asked my mom to help her. My mom was in denial- not wanting to take my sister to the mental hospital, thinking she was being dramatic. She took her anyway. I don't THINK my sister was cutting or anything, though. Anyways, it was extremely hard for me to go visit my sister, where they couldn't even wear BRAS because they could hurt themselves with the wire. Anyway, now she's out and she's with another girl. They're getting married in September and I'm a bridesmaid. :) How many people can say that they were a bridesmaid at a lesbian wedding?**

**P.S. When I started this story, I had ****CoverGirlRusher in mind. She said something about self harm in a review once and it brought the whole subject to my attention. So, just so you know, girl. ;)**

* * *

"That's her? That's Sierra?" Carlos asked, snatching James's phone from him and curling up on the couch of the tour bus again.

"Yeah." James said. "I feel so bad... She doesn't look too good." James had noticed the slender appearance, the purple beneath her eyes.

Kendall took the phone and nodded at the picture before passing it to Logan, who studied it for a long time.

His dark eyes finally looked up at James, full of disappointment.

"She cuts herself." he said softly.

"What?"

"Look at her arms." Logan tossed the phone to his friend, who scrambled to pick it up. Carlos leaned in, also observing the cuts running up her arms.

"Maybe she has a cat." James reasoned.

Kendall sighed and sat on the other side of James to look, shaking his head.

"That's not from a cat." he said. "I've seen a cutter's arms too much to deny that that's what's happening."

James was silent for a long time. He had no idea how to take this. He had grown to care about Sierra a bit more than his other fans, on a more personal level, and he had no idea how to help her.

"What do I do?" he finally asked.

"You give her a long speech about how she needs to stop." Logan said firmly. "This is serious!"

"What if we FaceTimed her?" Carlos asked. "Right now? Using that email address."

* * *

Sierra laid in her bed, lights on, just staring at the wall ahead of her. She was sick of this feeling. This alone feeling, the emptiness in the pit of her stomach, the constant need to cry. SO sick of it. Maybe she could make it all stop. Right here, right now. And be reunited with Mom...

A strange noise came from her iPod, making her sigh and look at it.

_FaceTime request from GUARDED NUMBER_

_Accept or Decline?_

She had never been FaceTimed before. She had no idea what was going on, but pressed accept anyway, sitting up. It took a second, but suddenly an image of James sitting there, not paying attention, was there.

"Oh. You picked up." he said in surprise. "Hi!"

Sierra was silent, eyes wide, as she stared at the man trying to talk to her on her screen. Suddenly Carlos pushed his way into view and waved.

"Hey, Sierra!" he grinned.

The camera was then tilted up and an upside down image of Kendall was there, eating what looked like a Hot Pocket, and waving. The camera was jerked back to look at James and Carlos, when Logan's head popped in and he grinned and twiddled his fingers at her.

"Look how pale she got." Carlos giggled.

"Sorry I didn't warn you. But we got serious stuff to discuss." James said, getting up from the tour bus couch and going somewhere else to be alone. He ended up sitting in his bunk. "So hi?"

Sierra finally found her voice.

"Hi." she squeaked, making James laugh a little. She was EXTREMELY surprised, confused, and suddenly self conscious.

"I'm worried about you." James began, shifting to get more comfortable. "And so are the guys."

"Why?" Sierra finally asked.

"I would have never noticed, but Logan pointed out your arms in the picture you sent." he said quietly. Sierra's breath caught. No. He noticed? What would he say? Her eyes dropped, showing that she wasn't denying what he thought. "Why do you do it?"

Sierra couldn't find words. She wanted to cry, but nothing came out.

"Is it because of the people at school?" James asked gently. Sierra couldn't believe this. She's actually talking to James Maslow face to face (kinda) and yet all he wanted to talk about was her problems. "Sierra? Please talk. I know you're in shock and stuff and I know you don't WANT to tell me about this, but it's a serious matter. Why did you cut your arms up?"

"Everything." she finally said. "Everything SUCKS and everyone HATES me. I'm doing everyone a favor."

James sighed and ran his hand through his short hair, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Sierra, I want you to listen to me, okay?" he finally asked.

"Fine."

"You have no idea how much it's effecting me AND the guys to know that you hurt yourself. It's never the answer, Sierra. Never. I thought I was helping you out by talking to you and trying to figure you out, but come to find out-"

"I'm sorry. I've failed you." she said softly.

"No! Stop thinking like that! Yeah, I'm really freaked out that this happened, cause I've grown to really care about you." Sierra looked up at James's solemn face, a little bit of the pressure on her chest easing up. Nobody had said that they CARED about her in a long time. "But you haven't failed me."

James was silent for a long time, thinking.

"I want you to stop. I know that's a big demand and it's hard to just STOP something like that, but it's what I want." he finally said.

"I can't." she said.

"Why?"

"I'm addicted to it."

James thought for a long time.

"What if I helped you?" he asked.

"How?"

"If you stop, I'll come see you when we're in Kentucky. We all will." he said. "And that's in like- two weeks."

"That's a big promise."

"If you DON'T stop, we'll still come to see you. But I swear, Sierra, I'll take you to a mental hospital." he said. "Every day til then, I'll give you something new to do to get your mind off of it."

"Like what?"

"Like... Painting a picture."

Sierra laughed for the first time in yet another long time, making James's face light up.

"Do we have a deal?" he asked.

Sierra took a deep breath. This was a big commitment. If she agreed, she'd HAVE to stop. She couldn't lie to James.

"Okay." she nodded. Maybe it was because she wanted help. Maybe because she wanted to talk to James all the time. Maybe it was because she wanted to meet him in a few weeks. Either way, she agreed.

James smiled and nodded.

"So I see you have a poster up behind you." he said. Sierra looked up and nodded. "That's an old one. Just look at my hair!" he laughed. James's hair was long, like in Season 1. "I'll bring you another one when I come to see you."

They talked for a while before Kendall jumped into James's bed and talked to her for a while. Not about cutting, but about the new album, what touring is like, what Kentucky was like, blah blah.

Over the next week, Sierra slowly started cutting less and less. James knew that she still did it, but she assured him that it was only a little and soon she would stop completely. He gave her challenges like "Rearrange your room" and "Invite Rachael over after school"- he even talked to Rachael when she was over. Sierra found herself feeling a little lighter in the chest, smiling a little more. Even Uncle Rod seemed to notice.

* * *

Uncle Rod was out for the weekend with some friends, so it was just Sierra and Maggie. Maggie was pretty mad because she had to stay home with Sierra all weekend instead of going out.

Sierra went into the bathroom to take a shower and retrieved her blade. She stared at it for a long time, the elephant sitting on her again.

_What would James say if he saw you right now? He'd be PISSED._

Sierra shook her head at herself and dropped the blade into the toilet. The old part of her lunged for it, but she caught herself before she touched the toilet water, quickly flushing the blade before she changed her mind. Her eyes squeezed shut until the toilet was completely done flushing, and suddenly it felt as if her rib cage was opened up, her heart was wrung out, ridding it of all the heaviness, and put back, her chest sewn up again.

After taking a shower, which was much less painful with no freshly opened wounds like usual, she stepped out into the hallway, wrapped in a towel.

She was feel actually a little HAPPY for once- free. She took in a deep breath through her nose, smiling a little, when suddenly her wrist was gripped and yanked to her left.

"What's this?" Maggie demanded, snapped Sierra out of her trance. She observed the cuts over her cousin's arms before staring back up at Sierra. "You CUT?"

"Not anymore." Sierra said confidently.

"Oh, yeah RIGHT." Maggie growled, pulling her younger cousin to her room and dressing her quickly in the first clothes she saw- the autographed BTR shirt and gym shorts. She then demanded she put flip flops on before dragging her out the door.

"Where are we going?" Sierra asked as they screeched down the road in Maggie's car.

"Whaleston."

"Why? That's like half an hour away."

"Because I'm admitting you to the mental hospital."

"Why?"

"Because you're my cousin and I love you and it hurts to see that you've been hurting yourself. You know, I was gonna leave you alone tonight to hang out with friends, but what if I did? You'da killed yourself!"

"I don't cut anymore."

"Since when?"

"Since tonight!"

"I'm taking you, Cici. This is serious." Maggie said sternly.

* * *

All of Sierra's bright, happiness was shattered and long gone by the time she arrived at the hospital. It was late at night, but they still took her. She was allowed to keep on her clothes, but no bra, no shoes no hairbands, no jewelry, no anything that could be used to hurt herself or others.

Her roommate, Rose, was schizophrenic. She talked to herself all night, rocking in her bed.

Sierra, however, cried herself to sleep, arms clutched around her body. Her bed was uncomfortable, her roommate was noisy, her cousin had left her, she was alone and scared. Merely a child, left alone in such a scary place.

But at least she had Big Time Rush on her shirt. To help her.

Her mind flashed to James. How could he find out? They would be there in three days- would she be out in time?

He would definitely notice when she didn't respond to his emails, didn't answer his FaceTime calls, nothing. Then what? Would he find a way to call Rod or Maggie? Or maybe he'd just give up...

* * *

She went to therapy the next day. At the end of it, she was diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder, with a sneaking suspicion of schizophrenia because Sierra insisted she was friends with Big Time Rush.

Uncle Rod and Maggie came to visit her. Rod had rushed home the moment he heard about his niece and was extremely concerned for her. Maggie, however, felt horrible for treating her cousin so badly and apologized. They brought her more clothes, which had to be approved before she could wear them. Sierra was glad that she was put in the BTR shirt- it was a comforting reminder of the boys who cared so much for her.

Maggie was given orders to get on Sierra's iPod when she got home and email James the whole story. And tell him that she might not be out in time to see them and that she was sorry. Maggie was told that it was important and not to forget. Maggie thought it was a boyfriend- she had no idea that James Maslow was a famous guy.

Sierra spent the rest of the day in group therapy and in the activity center, where she was taught to play chess by a guy who was there, who was of about thirty and had Paranoid Schizophrenia.

That night, she found comfort in the fact that James would probably know what was going on now, if not soon. And in the fact that when she got out of this hell hole, she'd be better.

* * *

**I'm sorry if I screwed this up. I've never cut, nor do I plan to, so I have no idea how hard it would be to quit. BUT when I was 12 or 13 I was really super depressed for a long time because my mom was in college and was never home. It sounds lame, but me and my mom are pretty close. I went to therapy (lucky for me, that's what my mom was in college for, so we did it at home) and it's been gone for years. So I know what this kinda sadness feels like. If you don't, cherish that. Lucky.**

**Review! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**smartcookie712:**_** Anyway, when I was in seventh grade, (I'm a freshman in high school now) one of the boys teased me because I had buck teeth. He called me squirrel everyday in class, during tests, ALL OF THE TIME. My friend and I moved to sit by the teachers desk and he sat down behind me. At the end of the year I was getting really annoyed because my teacher didn't catch the teasing and I was so fed up I wanted to cut. I've always been squeamish and the thought of all of my blood made me woozy, especially after I saw a picture of a freshly cut person on the Internet. So I decided on pills. My uncle was REALLY sick and was on many medications because he had a faulty kidney transplant. I had a way to commit suicide, up until my uncle died at the beginning of June. I thought it was a great time to commit suicide because he was my favorite uncle, like a father to me since my father left before I was born. How was I supposed to go on? I'd ask myself. But then my older cousin, whos almost the same age as I am, broke down in front of me. He and I are like brother and sister and we were both extremely close to Uncle Austin. After that, I kind of woke up and looked around to see all the suffering. So many people came in and out of my grandparents to express how sorry they were for our loss. So I totally snapped out of it. The depressions gone and this year, Kyle, the bully, and I are actually in a really tight knit group of friends. They've kept me strong and we've really grown up over the eighth grade year. Even though we are mostly separating for high school next year, it's not keeping any of us down. So thank you for writing this story. I believe 1000% that the boys would do something like that if they saw a Rusher in need. Dory AKA smartcookie712**_

* * *

Three days and Sierra still wasn't out of the mental hospital. She was playing chess with William, her paranoid friend, most of the days, going to therapy of all kinds, eating, sleeping, blah blah. She was sick of it here. Wanted to go home more than anything.

Maggie had said that James emailed her back and told her it was too bad and to tell Sierra that he was glad she was okay. Today was the day that they were to go and visit her at her house, but she still wasn't out. She didn't understand why not, though. She felt fine now. Maybe she'd even be HAPPY is she was out of this hell hole.

Anyway, Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and James were all supposed to visit her at Uncle Rod's house today, but she wasn't there. It broke her heart, made her cry, to know that she was missing possibly her only chance to meet them. They were going to go out of their way, taking time from the busy lives, to see her, but she couldn't be there. Instead, she was here. For what she felt to be no reason.

In her therapy session that day, she told the therapist everything. Her feelings on the subject poured out as she started. Happy that they were GOING to see her. Sad that she was here instead of at Rod's. Mad and sad that she couldn't meet the boys. Angry that she was still here. Guilty that she was letting them down by not being there. Glad that James was glad that she was there and healing. Scared that once she got out, James would see no need in talking to her anymore and stop.

Her therapist told her that her depression stemmed from her mother's death and only blossomed from there. No dip, Sherlock. She asked what Sierra thought would have happened if James had never written back in the first place. This was the first time Sierra thought about life without James in it.

"I'd be dead." she said suddenly. "Or have tried a few times."

"You'd have committed suicide because he didn't write back?"

"No. I'da committed suicide because I wouldn't have had his help. He helped me through a lot. He helped me quit cutting. Helped me mend a friendship. Helped me see the bright side, even when there wasn't one." she said. "He was supposed to come visit me today. That was the deal- if I quit cutting, he'd come to my house and see me. And I DID quit. But I'm not gonna be able to see him, cause I'm here. Anyways, he told me that if he came to see me and I hadn't stopped, he'd take me here himself. Isn't that sweet?"

"It certainly is. But how would you feel if he HAD taken you here himself?"

"First off, I'd have been ecstatic that he was there in the first place. But also really humiliated that it was the first time I got to meet him and he was taking me to a loony bin. But... I DID make a deal with him. So I'd be glad to go, cause I'da deserved it because I broke the deal."

"It seems like James is a good friend of yours."

"Yeah. He's my best friend right now. I only have Rachael, you know? And still she's not too close to me." the had talked about Rachael before.

"That's a big thing to say. That a famous person is your best friend."

"I know I'm not HIS best friend. But he is mine. And it's crazy to say it. Crazy to KNOW him personally. I'm lucky, you know?"

"Exactly." the therapist said excitedly. "You're LUCKY."

* * *

Hm... Visiting hour. Sierra hated this hour of the evening, when people were called to the cafeteria for visitation. Uncle Rod and Maggie came last night, but said that they had important things to do in Indianapolis- hours away. So Sierra would just sit in the activity area and play chess with William, who was too paranoid to let anyone visit him. He always thought that any visitors were there to take him away. He had grown to love the hospital and didn't want to leave, although he was there to stay for a LONG time.

The worst part was that Sierra was TOLD after therapy that she was going to be let out today. But she wasn't because Rod and Maggie were out of town. It made her angry beyond belief.

She was sitting, contemplating her next move, when there was a tap on her shoulder. She jumped and looked up to see a smiling nurse.

"You have visitors." she said cheerfully.

"Really?" Sierra was puzzled as she got up, someone else taking her place in the game. She seriously wondered who was visiting her. Maybe Rachael?

Sierra followed the nurse into the cafeteria to see four boys at a rectangular table. Yes- it was THE Big Time Rush. James looking around thoughtfully, facing away from her, with Logan beside him, pestering Kendall, who was across from him. Carlos was, of course, taking a video of them with his phone. Kendall was laughing and reaching across the table to punch Logan when his eyes caught Sierra.

He said something to the others as he waved her over, James and Logan quickly turning to see her.

"Surprise!" James laughed, standing and opening his arms. Her eyes wide, she stepped close before clashing herself into him, squeezing him hard, inhaling his glorious scent, a tear or two slipping from her eyes. "I brought you a poster, but they wouldn't let me bring it in here." he laughed. She held onto him for a long time before she realized that she had three other glorious guys to hug and let go of him.

After hugging them all, she sat on the bench between Logan and James, Carlos and Kendall across from them.

"What're you guys doing here?" she asked, amused.

"We're here to take you home!" Kendall said, wiggling his fingers in the air. "Surprise!"

"I can't go home with you guys- I have to go with Rod."

"He was here and signed the papers and stuff." Carlos said. "But he left- going somewhere with your cousin. Cause we're gonna take you to the concert tonight."

"Really?" Sierra asked, lighting up.

"Man, you're so different now." James laughed, putting a heavy arm over her shoulders and shaking her. "But it's good. I like it."

"Maybe she's just like this cause WE'RE here and getting her outta here." Logan pointed out. He was forced to take his hat off before going in. Anything that the inpatients could use as a weapon to themselves or others had to be collected at the entrance. The young nurse made a comment to James about "I dunno if your shirt is safe. I'm gonna have to ask you to take it off", to which she got a laugh and a "good one" from Kendall as they passed.

"It's partly that. But ALSO, I've been going to therapy here and stuff. It's really helping me out. I'm SO ready to get outta here and live again, though." she said. She jumped and shivered when she felt Kendall grab her wrist from across the table and inspect her arm, which was covered in scars or healing slashes.

"Oh, but look." Sierra said quickly as they looked. "The very night that I was brought here I had completely quit. But Maggie saw the cuts and refused to believe what I told her and brought me here."

"See? Maggie's not so bad." James noted.

"Nah- we're pretty close now." she shrugged.

"I love the shirt." Logan giggled, noticing the autographed BTR shirt, which she refused to let anyone wash.

"Who's that sexy beast right there?" Kendall asked, pointing out his own face on the shirt. "I'd like to bend that guy over a countertop."

"Kendall! C'mon!" Carlos scowled, punching him in the arm. "She's a kid!"

Sierra was too busy laughing to care. She knew Kendall was hilarious, but he had never been this funny to her.

"Don't think I've ever heard you laugh." James said in surprise.

"That's cause you're not fricking hilarious." Kendall sang.

Sierra just beamed, for the first time letting all this sink in. James HAD said that he would come see her. And here he was. With the other guys. Just like he said. And they were getting her OUT of here.

"Hungry?" James asked, squeezing her shoulder.

"I'm freaking STARVED for some actual FOOD." she said excitedly.

"Kay, well you have to go get your stuff and sign a paper or something to get discharged. We'll be waiting in the waiting room and we'll go eat wherever's good. You live here, so you're picking." James said, letting his arm drop and standing with the rest of the guys.

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Sierra was happily walking with her bag down the long white corridor to leave. She just had to make one stop first...

William's room was at the end of the hall, door closed. She knocked on it.

"Who is it?" he called, more scared than curious.

"It's Sierra! I'm here to say bye!" she called. The door opened and the tall man appeared, looking both ways behind her.

"You're leaving?"

"Yup."

"But... But... Who will I play chess with?"

"Turner's more than happy."

"But Turner's CRAZY." William whispered. Sierra laughed at the irony and shook her head.

"Maybe I'll see you again someday. Bye, Will." she said, knowing he wouldn't go for a hug. He just waved with a little smile before quickly closing the door again. Sierra continued down the corridor, where I guard was. She showed him a copy of the discharge form and he unlocked it for her, allowing her to step out into the waiting room.

"Ready?" James asked as Logan, who had his red hat back, worn backwards, put a friendly arm over her shoulder and Kendall took her bag.

"SO ready?" she sighed as they exited, a huge bus outside waiting. "Wait- I get to... To ride in your tour bus?"

"Yeah. A special ride for a special girl." Logan said sincerely as Carlos popped open the door and they all boarded.

"Sorry it's so messy." Kendall said as they sat on the couch and the bus started driving.

"It wasn't this morning." Carlos grumbled.

They arrived at a little diner called "Magdalena's".

"That means cupcake in Spanish. Fun fact." Carlos pointed out as they unboarded.

"It's cool that nobody recognizes us." Logan noted as they sat in a circular table- Sierra, James, Logan, Carlos, and Kendall all the way around.

"Yeah. Mainly old people live around here." Sierra waved, looking hungrily at the menu.

After they ate the "best burgers in the world", which didn't turn out to be the best after all, according to the guys, who had been around the world and tasted some awesome burgers, they headed for Uncle Rod's house, which was quite a while away. She needed to get ready for the concert.

As she quickly showered, changed clothes and made her hair look presentable, the guys waited in the living room.

"I'm ready." Sierra finally said, coming in to the sight of the guys sprawled out on the couch, James, Logan, and Kendall asleep, Carlos only a little awake, but coming to when he saw Sierra, confused.

"Sorry. We're like little kids. Need our daily naps." he laughed, sitting up in the middle of the pile of legs, Kendall's head on his shoulder. He squeezed Kendall's nose shut and held his jaw closed, the blonde's eyes snapping open and Carlos let go. He poked James awake and yelled at Logan, shaking him.

"Is he dead?" Sierra asked cautiously.

"No. Just sleeps through anything." James said in a deep sleepy voice getting up to stretch as Carlos and Kendall kept trying to wake Logan up.

"Okay, so he's out. Turn around- we gotta wake him up." Kendall said to Sierra before turning back to his friend, sitting down. Carlos made a spinning motion with his finger and James turned her around manually.

She had no idea what was happening behind her, and wasn't sure she wanted to. All she heard was Kendall's girly voice, saying "Oh Logie. Last night was AMAZING" and Logan's sleepy voice saying "Glad you thought so." Then a few seconds later, a giggle, a grunt, and a "WOAH! I TOLD YOU TO STOP DOING THAT!" from Logan.

"It's all extremely inappropriate. You don't wanna know." James laughed as they turned back around.

"Just something we found that works amazingly in waking ANYONE up." Carlos said. "Although I ALWAYS have to do the dirtywork."

"That's cause you have small, girlish hands." James giggled.

"They SAY it's a last resort. But I think they don't try very hard." Logan said angrily.

"We just wanna touch you, Logie." Kendall said sarcastically. It was then that they realized how scarred Sierra looked at all the possibilities of what they were talking about and all laughed.

"Sorry. Keep forgetting that you're a kid. AND a girl." Carlos said, brows upturned.

"You're just one-a the guys." Logan said with a grin, punching her lightly.

"Let's GO. We're gonna be late." Carlos instructed.

"Sorry. I tried to hurry." Sierra said as James hooked a playful arm around her neck.

"It's not you. It was Logan." James said with a wave.

* * *

**Okay. So I think this story's almost over. Probably. Originally it was gonna be a sad ending, where she killed herself and stuff. But I think I set us up for a happy ending. Maybe I could do alternate endings? Would anyone even be interested in reading an alternate ending?**

**I dunno. Let me know! Review! :D**


	7. Chapter 7

**hedleyfaberdrive101 : Dude! They can't fall in LOVE, cause she's 15 and he's 22! James can't be a pedo! Plus I wanna make it realistic, ya know? But I'll throw something in there for ya in the alt. ending. K? K. Thanks for the review. :D That is all.**

**Angelina : I have a twitter, but have no idea how to use it. XD I've only tweeted on James's birthday last year and when 24/Seven came out. **

* * *

The guys had given Sierra a light-up stick, a new t-shirt, and a backstage pass, plus a front row spot.

She felt weird not yelling and screaming "I LOVE YOU KENDALL!", causing screams from all over, or trying to get past the stage guards to get to them, but she didn't need to. They already knew that she loved them and she could touch them whenever she wanted!

But she did dance and sing, getting a few winks from the guys.

They didn't do Worldwide in this tour. Which she heard she did in the last one, each guy getting a girl to get up on stage and hold their hands. She thought maybe she had a chance to get on stage if they did, but they were mainly just doing 24/Seven music. Which she loved.

Finally, before the last wardrobe change the guys all got stools and took a little break.

"So we made a new friend a while back and she's here tonight." Logan said into his mic. James jumped up and off of the stage, getting grabbed in all directions as he reached into the crowd to get Sierra, who backed away and shook her head. He sighed and stepped over the caution tape, clothes getting ripped at, people screaming at him, as he caught Sierra's wrist and towed her out and on stage, allowing her to sit in his seat.

"She wrote me a letter a few months ago, telling me this heartwrenching story, which I'm not gonna go into detail about." James said as Kendall got up to get another stool. "And I wanted to help her. So we started writing back and forth, becoming close. Well lately she's been having a really hard time. REALLY hard. And she's been through a lot for such a young girl-" he sat down in the stool provided, arm around Sierra's shoulders. He was REALLY sweaty and physically hot, not smelling too good either, but she didn't care. "I know there are so many of you here tonight who have gone through what she's been through. I know there's a lot going with a lot of you guys, so to you, and to my friend, Sierra, we're gonna sing a song. It's an kinda an old one, but I think you'll like it."

He flipped a switch on his mic and said something into his shirt one, the members of the band nodding. Then he switched it back, blew in the mic to make sure it worked, and they began.

"Betcha didn't notice-" Kendall began slowly, stopping there to allow the screaming to subside before continuing. "First time your heart was broken-"

"You called me up and we talked til the mornin'." he and James sang, then Kendall continued.

"Sorry to embarrass you." James said in Sierra's ear. She smiled and shrugged, looking up into hazel eyes.

"He was a no-show, I made sure you got home-" James sang, then smiled at her as he looked back at the crowd and sang the rest of the song. Carlos, beside her, hand held her hand and nudged her playfully. Her heart fluttered... Was this REALLY happening?

The song seemed to end in seconds as the crowd cheered and Sierra felt arms coming from everywhere on her shoulders. She looked up to see Logan laughing and saying something to James and Kendall wiggling his brows at her, both behind her stool.

Once she got off stage, the girls around her bombarded her with questions.

"Do they smell good?" "How did you get them to DO that?" "Can I touch your shoulder?"

As the guys disappeared backstage, James stopped and smiled at the sight of Sierra beaming, talking to the girls around her, the others looking excited or even jealous of her. Just what she needed.

* * *

"Did you have fun?" Kendall asked, the first one to be changed after the show. They sat on crates, Kendall chugging from a water bottle and offering it to her. Wow... Kendall Schmidt was offering HER a drink from his water bottle? Which he JUST drank from?

She shook her head at his offer and observed the scene. The dressing rooms and people sprinting everywhere, the sweaty band members hydrating themselves.

"It was so much fun." she said with a nod, then turned back to him. "I've never been to a concert before. Mom and I were gonna come to this one, but she... She died before the tickets went on sale."

Kendall nodded thoughtfully and put an arm around her shoulders.

"I saw you made some friends." he said.

"Yeah." she said excitedly. "Only cause I know you guys, though."

"Well that's a start, right?"

"Yeah. You're right." she nodded. "Some girls even gave me their phone numbers. PROBABLY only cause they think they'll meet you guys if we become friends, but-"

"That's how it starts. But if you actually get talking, then you'll become real friends. You'll see."

Kendall's arm dropped from her shoulders and he got up.

"Sorry- I gotta go help load the trailer. That's what I get for being best friends with the guitarist, right?" he sighed with a shrug. "Get forced to help."

"I can help, too." Sierra said.

"No- it's okay. It's all really heavy equipment. Thanks, though." he smiled before sprinting away.

Sierra laughed and sat Indian style on the crate, listening to the yelling and talking and busy chatter in the backstage area.

"Hey you." came a familiar voice and she looked up to see James approaching with an entire milk jug full of water in his hand, half empty. He came and sat on the crate that Kendall had been on and took a long swig from the jug before falling back onto the crate behind him with a sigh. Sierra noticed that he was still glistening with sweat.

"It's hot as BALLS back here!" came a yell as Logan approached in his backwards red hat, screaming this to nobody in particular. He had an empty water bottle in his hand, which he tossed onto James's stomach. "Sorry that you had to hear that." he apologized. "But it IS hot."

He took James's jug and drank a lot from it before recapping it in time for James to take a drink. Logan's fresh shirt was beginning to get drenched, like the one he wore on stage.

"It takes a while to cool down after a show." James said. "But Logan's just got a sweating problem."

"Do NOT!"

"Logan's got a lot of problems." Sierra giggled, making Logan laugh and punch her playfully.

"You don't even know the half of it." James joked, lifting his shirt to wipe his face.

Finally Carlos appeared, laying face down on the floor.

"Dear God- it feels amazing down here." he groaned in ecstasy. The others did the same, groaning as the cool concrete touched their faces. They laid there for a long time, laughing and talking, until everything was loaded up and Kendall approached, giving Sierra a confused look.

"It apparently feels good down there." she shrugged.

"Dear GOD, don't go outside! It's like five hundred degrees out there. Is it ALWAYS that hot?"

"No. Only during summer. It's not California." Sierra laughed as Kendall laid across his friend's backs, making them moan.

"Come on, guys! You have to get on the road." a woman said seriously.

"Oh- we still gotta drop Sierra off, don't we?" Logan noted, slipping out from beneath Kendall's legs to stand up. "C'mon, guys!"

* * *

"We'll see you again soon." James said reassuringly in Uncle Rod's house. Sierra couldn't help but notice that millions of girls out there would DIE to have them in this position- tired and dopey and alone with a girl in an empty house.

"Yeah. We'll email you and stuff." Carlos yawned.

"So... Now that I'm better, you'll still talk to me?" Sierra asked, unsure.

"Of course." Kendall said sleepily.

"Yeah. You're wunna the guys." Logan added.

"Well, I'm really sorry. But we have a tight schedule." James said apologetically.

"Oh- yeah. Of course. I guess I'll let you go." Sierra said with a wave, stepping forward to hug James for a while. "Thank you. For talking to me. For helping me. For getting me outta the hospital. For taking me to the concert. For being a friend."

"Any time." James laughed. "You act like this is the last time we'll ever see each other."

"You never know."

"I'm promising you. We'll keep in touch- keep emailing and FaceTiming. Just cause you don't NEED me anymore doesn't mean we still can't be buddies." James said, ruffling her hair as she stepped back. She smiled and hugged Carlos, then Logan, then Kendall. She walked them to the door and waved as they boarded the bus and watched them drive away.

She didn't like the bed she climbed into, the memories rushing back. And the feeling of loneliness came back.

No. She wouldn't let it.

She got up and went into Uncle Rod's room, climbing into the bed. She would rearrange her room again tomorrow.

* * *

"Cici?" Uncle Rod called the next morning, waking her up. She heard the squeak of her bedroom door being opened, then hurried footsteps. "CICI?" his voice was panicked now.

Rod's bedroom door opened and Maggie was standing there.

"She's in here, Dad!" she called as Sierra got up and yawned.

"Oh, Cici. I thought those boys kidnapped you and did dirty things to you." he sighed, hugging her.

"Uncle Rod! They're not like that." she laughed, hugging him back.

"Why're you in here?"

"The guest room brought back too many memories. Bad ones." she said. "And I was tired, so I came in here."

"Okay." he smiled, kissing her forehead. "C'mon, get dressed. Your dad called me."

"Really?" Sierra perked up. "What did he say?"

"I had told him that I was gonna file for custody and stuff, and he said not to. That he was ready to have you back." Rod said excitedly.

Sierra grinned and scampered off to her room, getting dressed.

* * *

"Cici." Sierra's dad sighed happily, hugging her as soon as he saw her enter. She was happy to see that he was shaven, showered, and in a t-shirt and jeans, eating a sandwich.

Happy tears spilled from Sierra's eyes as she embraced her father. Finally. FINALLY she had him back.

"I'm so sorry that all this happened. You going to live with Rod. And you going to the hospital." he said, holding her tight. "I didn't wanna lose you forever, so I woke up. Realized that I needed to be focusing on what I DO still have instead of what I don't."

"So does that mean I'm moving back in?"

"Of course." he said.

* * *

(Two months later)

_FaceTime request from: BLOCKED NUMBER_

James always had his number blocked. They all did. It wasn't that they didn't trust her, it was just too risky. She, of course, pressed "Accept".

"Hey!" James said brightly, looking up and kicking someone away with a smile. "Where the heck are you?"

He had noticed the background change, of course, and wondered.

"I'm in the back yard on the hammock." she said explained lazily.

"Wow." he said, brows up. "That looks fun."

Sierra grinned and nodded.

"So how was Heather's?" James said. Heather was one of the girls that Sierra had met at the concert. Turns out, she lived really close and they hung out a lot now. Kendall had suggested to Sierra that she not mention them to her until she trusts her, which she hadn't.

"It was great." Sierra nodded. "We have a lot in common, actually."

"I'm so glad you're making friends." James said, giving her one of those supportive grins. "So you haven't mentioned us to her?"

"No. I mean, we talk about you guys all the time, obviously, and she's asked me about it, but I slipped my way out of it."

"Well we'll be glad to talk to her and stuff, but not til you're sure she's cool. I don't want her using you." James said protectively.

"What's goin' on?" came Logan's voice in the background.

"Nothin'!" James said in defense. Suddenly the camera was jerked and an upside down image of Logan appeared.

"Hey, Cici." he smiled. "You look cold."

"Well here in the NORMAL world, the seasons change. And it's fall now- almost winter. But I don't care- I love it out here." Sierra smiled. The guys had grown to call her Cici, just like her family. "Why aren't you guys at a concert?"

"We're free tonight!" Carlos yelled in the background as the camera was jerked back to face James.

"How late is it there?" James asked as Kendall appeared in view and twiddled his fingers at her.

"Only seven." Sierra answered, smiling and waving at Kendall.

"Oh. It's midnight here." James said sleepily.

"Gettin' old, Jamie?" Kendall pouted sarcastically, patting James's stubbly cheek. "Too old to stay up past midnight on a free day?"

"I guess so." James nodded. "Hey, Cici, sorry to cut this short. But I gotta get to bed. Tomorrow's a big day. And I'd let you talk to Kendall for a while, but I know what they'll do with my phone unsupervised."

"It's okay. I'll talk to you later."

A chorus of "bye!"s came and James smiled and waved as the FaceTime went dead.

Sierra smiled as she put the phone down. Gosh she was happy now. She had her dad back. They did things together now- like going to dinner with Maggie and Rod and going to the movies. She had friends- like Rachael and Heather and a few girls from school. She had the guys- who talked to her almost every day. And she wasn't depressed or cutting anymore. Hadn't even thought about it.

She breathed in the cool Kentucky air through her nose, eyes closed. Life was GOOD now. And she loved the fact that she owed it all to James and the guys.

* * *

**Okay, so this is how the alternate ending is gonna work. I'm gonna repost chapter 5, but the second half is gonna be different. I'll put something like *alt ending change* or something in bold so that you don't have to completely reread everything. Then after that, everything'll be different. Don't worry, it'll just be a few chapters. And I'll name them Alt Ending Ch 1 and stuff like that. I'll try not to make it too confusing.**

**But for THIS ending, what did you think? :D**

**Review!**


	8. Chapter 8

"That's her? That's Sierra?" Carlos asked, snatching James's phone from him and curling up on the couch of the tour bus again.

"Yeah." James said. "I feel so bad... She doesn't look too good." James had noticed the slender appearance, the purple beneath her eyes.

Kendall took the phone and nodded at the picture before passing it to Logan, who studied it for a long time.

His dark eyes finally looked up at James, full of disappointment.

"She cuts herself." he said softly.

"What?"

"Look at her arms." Logan tossed the phone to his friend, who scrambled to pick it up. Carlos leaned in, also observing the cuts running up her arms.

"Maybe she has a cat." James reasoned.

Kendall sighed and sat on the other side of James to look, shaking his head.

"That's not from a cat." he said. "I've seen a cutter's arms too much to deny that that's what's happening."

James was silent for a long time. He had no idea how to take this. He had grown to care about Sierra a bit more than his other fans, on a more personal level, and he had no idea how to help her.

"What do I do?" he finally asked.

"You give her a long speech about how she needs to stop." Logan said firmly. "This is serious!"

"What if we FaceTimed her?" Carlos asked. "Right now? Using that email address."

* * *

Sierra laid in her bed, lights on, just staring at the wall ahead of her. She was sick of this feeling. This alone feeling, the emptiness in the pit of her stomach, the constant need to cry. SO sick of it. Maybe she could make it all stop. Right here, right now. And be reunited with Mom...

A strange noise came from her iPod, making her sigh and look at it.

_FaceTime request from GUARDED NUMBER_

_Accept or Decline?_

She had never been FaceTimed before. She had no idea what was going on, but pressed accept anyway, sitting up. It took a second, but suddenly an image of James sitting there, not paying attention, was there.

"Oh. You picked up." he said in surprise. "Hi!"

Sierra was silent, eyes wide, as she stared at the man trying to talk to her on her screen. Suddenly Carlos pushed his way into view and waved.

"Hey, Sierra!" he grinned.

The camera was then tilted up and an upside down image of Kendall was there, eating what looked like a Hot Pocket, and waving. The camera was jerked back to look at James and Carlos, when Logan's head popped in and he grinned and twiddled his fingers at her.

"Look how pale she got." Carlos giggled.

"Sorry I didn't warn you. But we got serious stuff to discuss." James said, getting up from the tour bus couch and going somewhere else to be alone. He ended up sitting in his bunk. "So hi?"

Sierra finally found her voice.

"Hi." she squeaked, making James laugh a little. She was EXTREMELY surprised, confused, and suddenly self conscious.

"I'm worried about you." James began, shifting to get more comfortable. "And so are the guys."

"Why?" Sierra finally asked.

"I would have never noticed, but Logan pointed out your arms in the picture you sent." he said quietly. Sierra's breath caught. No. He noticed? What would he say? Her eyes dropped, showing that she wasn't denying what he thought. "Why do you do it?"

Sierra couldn't find words. She wanted to cry, but nothing came out.

"Is it because of the people at school?" James asked gently. Sierra couldn't believe this. She's actually talking to James Maslow face to face (kinda) and yet all he wanted to talk about was her problems. "Sierra? Please talk. I know you're in shock and stuff and I know you don't WANT to tell me about this, but it's a serious matter. Why did you cut your arms up?"

"Everything." she finally said. "Everything SUCKS and everyone HATES me. I'm doing everyone a favor."

James sighed and ran his hand through his short hair, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Sierra, I want you to listen to me, okay?" he finally asked.

"Fine."

"You have no idea how much it's effecting me AND the guys to know that you hurt yourself. It's never the answer, Sierra. Never. I thought I was helping you out by talking to you and trying to figure you out, but come to find out-"

"I'm sorry. I've failed you." she said softly.

"No! Stop thinking like that! Yeah, I'm really freaked out that this happened, cause I've grown to really care about you." Sierra looked up at James's solemn face, a little bit of the pressure on her chest easing up. Nobody had said that they CARED about her in a long time. "But you haven't failed me."

James was silent for a long time, thinking.

"I want you to stop. I know that's a big demand and it's hard to just STOP something like that, but it's what I want." he finally said.

"I can't." she said.

"Why?"

"I'm addicted to it."

James thought for a long time.

"What if I helped you?" he asked.

"How?"

"If you stop, I'll come see you when we're in Kentucky. We all will." he said. "And that's in like- two weeks."

"That's a big promise."

"If you DON'T stop, we'll still come to see you. But I swear, Sierra, I'll take you to a mental hospital." he said. "Every day til then, I'll give you something new to do to get your mind off of it."

"Like what?"

"Like... Painting a picture."

Sierra laughed for the first time in yet another long time, making James's face light up.

"Do we have a deal?" he asked.

Sierra took a deep breath. This was a big commitment. If she agreed, she'd HAVE to stop. She couldn't lie to James.

"Okay." she nodded. Maybe it was because she wanted help. Maybe because she wanted to talk to James all the time. Maybe it was because she wanted to meet him in a few weeks. Either way, she agreed.

James smiled and nodded.

"So I see you have a poster up behind you." he said. Sierra looked up and nodded. "That's an old one. Just look at my hair!" he laughed. James's hair was long, like in Season 1. "I'll bring you another one when I come to see you."

They talked for a while before Kendall jumped into James's bed and talked to her for a while. Not about cutting, but about the new album, what touring is like, what Kentucky was like, blah blah.

***Alternate Ending Change- Here To End***

They talked almost every day, Sierra always TELLING James that her cutting was decreasing, which it really was, but not much. He always acted so proud of her- the others did, too. It made her feel horribly guilty... But she couldn't stop.

* * *

Uncle Rod was out for the weekend with some friends, so it was just Sierra and Maggie. Maggie was pretty mad because she had to stay home with Sierra all weekend instead of going out.

Sierra went into the bathroom to take a shower and retrieved her blade. She stared at it for a long time, the elephant sitting on her again.

She shook her head and dragged the blade across her arm, ribbons of red oozing out. What would James say? He'd say that they had a deal and she was breaking it. He would say that he gives up and all his hard work went to crap. He would say that he never wanted to meet her.

After that, she jumped in the shower, just standing there and allowing the hot water to sting her new wounds. It didn't feel good anymore. It just cut the hole in her chest even deeper every time it happened.

She exited the bathroom, fully clothed, and passed Maggie's room, which was empty.

"Maggie?" Sierra called, going to the kitchen, to the laundry room, finding her nowhere. She looked outside to find that Maggie's car was gone. Her heart sunk. Her own cousin didn't care enough to stay around for one sleazy weekend to make sure Sierra wasn't kidnapped and murdered.

That was the last straw. For real this time. She couldn't handle this life anymore. It was complete shit. Nobody here cared about her. So she'd go elsewhere. To a place where she knew there was someone who would take care of her- FOREVER. To give her all the love she would ever need.

She'd go be with her mom.

She sat on her bed, hugging her knees, and called James on her iPod. It was late, so she knew they were done with their concert and were winding down on the bus about now.

His face appeared, sleepy. He was laying in his bunk, clearly had been sleeping.

"Oh, hey Sierra." he said, voice deep and nasally. "S'goin' on?"

Sierra just stared at him, heart thumping. How could she do this to James? He actually cared about her. But they had never met. Never touched. And probably never would... Even though her SAID they would.

"I gotta tell you something." she said.

"Okay?"

"Sorry to wake you up."

"It's... Okay." he said, sitting up. "What's going on?"

"I love you." she said softly. She knew he heard it from fans every single day. But she actually meant it. It may have been creepy, she being fifteen, him being twenty three now, but she truly believed that she had fallen in love with this guy.

"Well... I love you, too, Sierra." he said, confused and disoriented.

"No, I mean I actually do." she demanded. "I LOVE love you."

James was silent and rubbed his face.

"Look, Sierra..." he said softly. "I love all my fans. And you know you and I have a special connection. But... It doesn't- CAN'T- go past that friendship love. I'm twenty-three. You're fifteen. Not to mention that I have a girlfriend, whom I love."

Sierra didn't know what she EXPECTED him to say. But it wasn't that. His response had broken her heart- for the first and last time.

"I just thought you should know." she said, not looking at him. James straightened up, awakening all the way.

"Sierra? The hell is going on?" he demanded. "Something's up and- and you're scaring me."

Sierra knew he was serious. He had cursed at her- not a bad word, but a curse all the same. He never cursed at her- always reprimanded the others for saying such things while he was talking to her.

"Nothing's going on." she lied. She knew that if she told him... He would make her feel worse about it. James was silent for a while. The look he gave her broke her heart more. The unconvinced, accusing look.

"I know you're lying to me." he finally said. "Tell me."

"I have to go."

"Sierra."

"James."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow." he said. "Okay?"

"Bye, James. Thanks for being there for me."

"What? Sierra!"

"And I love you. Bye."

"Sierra!" James yelled, tense. By now, Logan beneath him kicked his bunk, telling him to "Shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep", but James didn't care. "Don't you hang up, Sierra." he demanded. "Stay on with me."

"Why?"

"Cause I'm scared." he said a little softer now that he had her attention.

"You're James Maslow. You're not scared of anything."

"I'm scared that you're gonna do something horrible and I won't be able to do anything about it." he said. "Please, Sierra. I'm yours all night- til the morning, then some if you need me."

It was a tempting offer.

"I love you, James. Bye." she murmured.

"No, Sierra, please."

But the screen went dead.

As Sierra got up, her iPod went wild with James calling her again.

* * *

James leapt from his bunk, making Logan, Kendall, and Carlos wake up and fume at him. But he had already called 911.

"Hi, my name is James Maslow. There's a girl- Sierra Weston- at 342 Arrow Drive, Georgetown, Kentucky." James said in a panic as soon as the operator picked up. He had no idea how he remembered her uncle's address so easily, but the adrenaline probably helped. He didn't care that he wasn't even in Kentucky- they had to be able to do SOMETHING. "She's gonna kill herself. Please- PLEASE do something."

By now the others were wide awake and up, crowded around James, who was trying not to cry.

"Alright, sir. Could you please tell us what happened?"

"Are there people going to save her?" James asked.

"Not yet." the woman said.

"WHAT THE HELL?" James yelled, heart thumping, a tear spilling from his eye. He felt so helpless. There was nothing he could do to help her. "SHE'S GOING TO DIE! A FIFTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL IS GOING TO TAKE HER OWN LIFE! HURRY THE FUCK UP!"

"Tell us what happened to make you think that."

"She told me so." James lied. Well, she might as well have told him so. "She told me she was going to kill herself- over FaceTime. And I'm here and she's there and I have no way of getting to her to save her and PLEASE hurry."

"We'll contact the Kentucky police." the woman said. "Please stay on with me."

James paced around the bus, ignoring all the questions shot at him by the guys.

"Now tell me the whole story." the woman said. "There are officers on the way to the address you stated."

"I was asleep." James began, blinking away tears of panic, every muscle in his body tense. "And she called me over FaceTime, so I answered. And she told me she had feelings for me and I told her I didn't feel the same way and- Oh God. Did I cause this?"

"Please continue, sir."

"And then I noticed that she was acting all weird. And she said this long 'goodbye' and I realized it was a last call type thing. And I tried to get her to stay on with me, cause I knew she was gonna do something. But she hung up." by now, James was practically wheezing, unable to breath through the panic in him.

"And when did she say that she was going to kill herself?"

"I don't know!" he lied. This is why he hated lying- it always turned into more and more. "Somewhere in there. I can't even think."

* * *

Sierra had downed ten pills. All prescribed for a two hundred pound man with occasional liver malfunctions. Without any hesitation. She had never been so sure about anything. Her only regret was making James so upset by calling. But if she hadn't... She would feel even worse. Not telling him her true feelings and never really saying goodbye. Now that she thought of it, maybe she should have said goodbye to the other guys, too. And written a note. A suicide note.

But it was too late. Somehow, in the depth of her thoughts, she had fallen to the ground. Everything was so surreal. Just like the movies- when her hearing was like she was underwater and her vision was tunneled. How long had it been since she swallowed those pills? She had no idea.

And yet, it was exactly like a movie. When a policeman came into the open bathroom and knelt beside her, yelling something out the door to bring paramedics in.

"Your friend, James called us." the policeman said as she was put on a stretcher. She was carried out of the house, her last sight being the dark sky, illuminated by red and white and blue lights, the sirens echoing everywhere. Her last thought being: _I'm sorry, James. That you were too late. But thank you._

* * *

"Mister Maslow, sir?" the woman finally said, after James had been on hold for half an hour.

"Yes?" James jumped, the other guys, staring intently at the phone, on speaker, in James's hand. Fox, having felt the tension, had his ears cocked and was shaking, having no idea why everyone was so uptight.

"They found Miss Weston in her house. She was alive and barely conscious when they arrived." she said.

"So she's okay?" Logan demanded.

"They were too late. The guess is that she swallowed a bunch of pills, because other than cuts on her arms, there was nothing external to suggest suicide. She was all alone in the house. She died on the way out to the ambulance." the woman said softly.

James bolted up, staring at the phone in disbelief.

"I'm sorry, sir. Thank you for calling us- if they had gotten there just a minute sooner-"

Suddenly the phone went flying out of James's hand, cracking on the wall of the bus, James pissed off to no measure.

The others just stared, shocked, as James stormed to the front of the bus, demanding the driver stop.

"We're on the highway, sir." the man said.

"I don't care. Just stop."

So the bus was pulled over and James exited it, running out into the woods, where apparently the highway was. It was pitch dark, but James had no idea how to control this mixture of emotions. Sadness, anger, regret, frustration. Frustration over all.

He was frustrated at the policemen for not getting there sooner. At the operator lady for questioning him for so long. At himself for not calling sooner. At Sierra for doing this. At the WORLD, basically.

He stood there, forehead against a tree, not knowing whether he wanted to hug it or punch it.

"James-" Kendall said softly, hand on his shoulder. He was surprised to see James turn to him, face wet with tears. "It's not your fault."

James shook his head and looked away.

"C'mon. Get back on the bus." Kendall said.

"How can you not CARE about this?" James demanded. "SIERRA IS DEAD, Kendall!"

"I know." Kendall murmured. "But I'm in shock."

"I need- I need something to punch." James said. Even through his emotions, he knew that punching a tree would just break his hand.

"I'm right here."

"I can't punch YOU." James said angrily. "No matter how much I WANT to. I'd hurt you too bad."

"C'mon. Let's just go back."

James allowed Kendall to put a comforting arm over his shoulder and guide him back into the bus.

* * *

**Sorry this is so late. All my stories are overdue for a new chapter. I just haven't been in a write-y mood, ya know? PLUS I've been putting this one off cause I knew it would have to be emotional and intense, and I needed to be in the mood to write it. **

**Did you like it? Probably not- it was sad. I don't like this story so much. Just cause it's sad. But necessary, I think.**

**Make sure to review! And if you have any more stories, the next chapter's the last one. So last chance! :D**


	9. Chapter 9

**So I realize that a lot of you thought the last chapter was the finale. Sike! Sorry, I made it seem that way, didn't I? No- this is the last chapter. And I'm gonna finish it off with a joke to cheer you up a little! YAY!**

* * *

July 31st. The day of Sierra's funeral. And where were the guys? Not even in Kentucky yet. They had tried- pleaded, nagged, got on their KNEES to get a day off to go to the funeral, but their manager refused.

"You've got a concert that night. And what do we tell the thousands of people who bought tickets? Sorry- go home. No boys tonight?" she demanded. "It doesn't work that way."

"Helen! Please!" James pleaded, giving her the most serious and defensive look he could muster. "This is really important."

The manager sighed and looked at the four boys before her.

"I would make it happen if it was possible." she said softly. "But it's not. I'm sorry."

James shook his head and stormed away.

"He doesn't mean to be a jerk. He's just- really upset right now." Carlos said apologetically as they followed him to the tour bus, finding James in his bunk, curtain closed. He was doing nothing but laying there, staring at the ceiling.

"Go away." he grumbled, rolling to face away from them. Kendall and Carlos turned to Logan expectantly. James seemed to favorite Logan- Logan being the only one who could get through to James sometimes. He rolled his eyes and climbed into the bunk, an arm folded behind his head.

"Get the hell away from me, you fag." James snapped. Logan raised his brows. Sure- James was rude sometimes. But he NEVER said things like that.

"Quit being an asswipe, James." Logan said sternly. "It's been three days."

"Yeah. And you know, I'd expect more from you guys."

"What? Cause we're not letting this ruin everything?"

"Yeah! You didn't even react."

Logan sighed and looked over at the guys.

"Look, we'll stop by her grave when we get to Kentucky." Kendall suggested.

"And we'll dedicate a song to her. One that we never play anymore." Carlos suggested.

"She always said how much she loved All Over Again." James said.

"Then we'll sing All Over Again."

"And we'll order the prettiest, most beautiful wreath to put by her grave when we go." Logan said.

James was silent.

"It was my fault." James said softly. "She told me she had legit feelings for me... I told her I didn't feel the same way."

"It's NOT your fault." Logan said with a sigh. "If she called you, knowing you would be sleeping, she was obviously already planning to do it. She just wanted to tell you that before she did it- like a final wish thing. It had nothing to do with what happened."

"But if I had said I felt the same way-"

"But you don't." Logan said strongly. "She was a fifteen year old girl. You didn't feel anything toward her other than friendship and maybe a little bit of protectiveness. Sure- if you lied and told her you felt the same way, she may not have done it. But she would have eventually. You helped her all you could. It was just... Time."

"Yeah- aren't you the one who always says that everything happens for a reason?" Kendall added.

"And it's not that we aren't pissed off and sad about Sierra." Logan said reassuringly. "But we weren't as close to her as you. And we have millions of other fans waiting to see us almost every day- we can't let just ONE ruin everyone's time."

"But she was one SPECIAL fan."

"They all are."

"Just go away. I'll be out in time to get ready for the show." James said gently. Logan sighed and jumped off of the bed, closing the curtain. James got onto Sierra's facebook page, which hadn't been touched for almost a year.

_I'm sorry it had to be this way, Cici. I'll always remember the times we had together- I'll miss you a lot._

_I know you will never see this, but I'll miss you and nobody will ever forget you._

_I wish I could have helped... I'll miss you a lot, Cici. I love you to no end._

_Remember that time, when we were in eighth grade, and we went camping together? And you caught a fish, and it was so big it pulled you in? Your mom and I laughed and laughed- back then you had the power to laugh with us. I hope you find your mom up there in Heaven- cause I know that's where you are now. I love you, Cici. I didn't say that enough._ That one was from Rachael.

_Sierra's funeral is July 31st- hope to see you all there. I know she would have appreciated it. _It was Uncle Rod. There were thirty two comments, all saying that they would be there.

James decided to post a useless message on her wall, too. Like Sierra would see it.

_I'm sorry that it had to be this way- but I'm so glad I got to talk to you one last time. And I'm sorry I can't make it to the funeral- trust me, I tried. You know I tried. Just like I tried to get you help. Tried to keep you here with us. I'm having a really hard time with all this... I miss talking to you. I thought you were getting better... If I had known... I'm sorry that I wasn't there when you needed me most. I'm sorry for everything. I love you- you know I do. I'm gonna be singing a song for you tonight- I hope somehow you're there to hear it._

* * *

They started out the show with the song dedicated to Sierra- thinking maybe it would lighten James up a bit.

"Hey, guys. So only three days ago a very close friend of ours, Sierra, passed on." Kendall said as they sat on their stools. The audience was silent.

"She was having a really hard time- just in general. She did something I hope none of you even think about doing." Carlos said.

"She took her own life at the young age of fifteen." Logan said solemnly, the crowd dead silent. "And today was the funeral. We couldn't make it because of the tour, but we thought the next best thing is to dedicate a song to her. We haven't sung this song in ages, but that's what makes it special."

"And I know she'd love it." James said softly.

They sang the song, and after it was done, James felt a lot better. Ready to take on the concert.

"Better?" Logan asked as they put their stools away, a hand on James's shoulder.

"Yeah." James said thankfully. "That was a good idea."

The show went smoothly from then on.

* * *

"Hello? Is this Rod?" James asked, the phone on speaker in the center of the guys. He had gotten the phone number from Facebook.

"Yes? Who's this?"

"Hi, my name is James Maslow." James said. "You may have heard Sierra talking about me. I'm in the band, Big Time Rush."

"Wow- it's really you?"

"Yup. Listen, sir, my bandmates and I were really upset about not being able to make it to the funeral today." James said seriously. "How did it go?"

"Oh, she was just BEAUTIFUL. In a yellow sundress, hair all curled up the way she liked it. Maggie did it." Rod said. "The outfit, I mean. She picked it out. There were countless teenagers there. Like- even kids Cici didn't even know. They looked scared shitless, you know? Like they're realizing that they aren't invincible and the world isn't so peachy."

"It's a scary thing when you're young."

"Especially at Cici's age. But I think it went well. It was really sad, of course. But like a lot of young funerals, there were lots of people there. I wish Cici coulda saw how many people actually cared about her. And her facebook wall is blown up. I saw that you posted something."

"Sir, there's something I need to tell you." James said seriously, turning off the speaker phone and pressing the phone to his ear. He got up and sat in Carlos's bunk for some privacy.

"Okay."

"I was the one that called the cops to go find Cici."

"Thank you, son. I can't imagine if my daughter came home and found- her. In the bathroom."

"But... I guess you should know the story." James said seriously. "She sent me a letter- months and months ago. Telling me all about her mom and her life at home. I decided to write back- I was concerned, you know? And it just escalated from there. When I went on tour, we emailed and even started video chatting. Well, I THOUGHT I was making a difference. THOUGHT I was preventing this. But just before she did IT, she video chatted me, telling me she LOVE loved me. And I told her that I didn't feel the same way- I mean, I'm twenty-three years old, sir. And she started saying stuff like 'Thanks for being there for me' and 'I thought you should know', so I got worried. I tried to get her to talk to me all night so I could make sure she didn't do anything bad. But she hung up. So I called the cops- being HOURS away myself."

Rod was silent for a while.

"I had no idea you two had such a relationship."

"Could you tell me where her grave is? We'll be in Kentucky tomorrow- I'd like to go visit her. My bandmates and I."

Rod told him where the grave was.

"Thank you, son." Rod said softly. "For being there for her. I had no idea she felt that way- I'da gotten her help."

"I considered calling you a few times to take her to get help... But she always insisted that she had stopped cutting and she was fine." James explained. "She was really good at masking her emotions, you know?"

"I know." Rod said, sounding a little choked up. "Thank you for calling, son."

"Thanks for the information."

* * *

The wreath they wanted wouldn't be ready in time for their visitation, so the guys had to just get a big bouquet of rainbow flowers in a vase.

James, who had written down the information Rod had given him, passed the paper to Carlos to figure it out. It took close to half an hour, but they finally found it in the huge cemetery. The dirt was freshly packed, lots of flowers all around it.

"I wish we coulda met her." Kendall said flatly. "Do you think that woulda changed anything?"

"I dunno." Carlos shrugged as James sat the vase down in front of all the flowers crowding the stone.

"I wish she knew how many people actually cared that she's gone." Logan said. "That woulda changed a lot."

"Jesus! Stop talking about ways that this coulda been prevented." James snapped. "There's nothing we can do about it now- all you're doing is making me feel worse."

Kendall sighed and put an arm over his friend's shoulders.

"It's not your fault."

"Yeah, yeah." James said, rolling his eyes.

"You know, I bet she's happier up there with her mom than she has been in a long time." Carlos said thoughtfully. "Even if it WAS your fault, you don't have to think of it that way. You could think of it like- you're her savior. You freed her. But it's NOT your fault."

James was silent, staring at the sea of flowers and notes before him, as Logan punched Carlos angrily for being insensitive- a rare occurrence for Carlos.

They stood quietly, the warm Kentucky breeze blowing their hair and rustling the flowers. Kendall's arm was over James's shoulder, Logan's around his waist, and Carlos sitting in the grass, staring blankly at the fresh dirt.

"I wish things coulda been different." James said quietly.

"We all do." Logan said. "But it's what she wanted. To be with her mom and away from here."

"She was just too young."

The guys were silent, Logan backing up and patting the middle of his friend's back.

"C'mon, Los." he said, pulling Carlos up. They got one last glance at the grave before heading to the bus. Kendall remained with James, who said nothing and looked nowhere but the gravestone.

"You did everything you could, buddy." Kendall said gently after quite a while.

"It still wasn't enough."

"She wasn't your responsibility. But you still made it that way. I think that meant the world to her."

"I KNOW it did. But... I dunno. I still feel horrible."

"Gonna be alright?" Kendall asked.

"Yeah. I need to get outta here- think about other things." James finally said.

"Atta boy." Kendall smiled, patting James's shoulder and taking a last glance at the grave before heading toward the bus. James gave a tiny wave and a small smile to the girl in the ground before turning and following his bandmate.

* * *

**Wasn't as sad as I intended. BUT the point was that everyone went to her funeral and brought flowers and posted on her Facebook and stuff. Cause even if it doesn't seem like anyone pays attention to you, the death of a young person brings this crazy depressing blanket over everyone and everyone realizes what huge mistakes they made.**

**Like a few years ago, when I was in middle school, two high schoolers died on the same night. A girl, who was in a car accident, and a boy, who did some stuff with the wrong drugs. At the beginning of the last school year, a high school boy- a SENIOR- was killed in a car accident right in front of the soccer team- we even canceled band rehearsal. And just a few weeks ago, a girl who was just a year older than me drowned in the river. All of these kids went to my school. All of these kids were all over the news, they had a service at the school, people WALKED to the Senior's funeral after school (the funeral home was just down the road), Facebook was blown up, roses were put in their graduation seats. Sure, I live in a small town where everyone's pretty tight-knit, but even the kids who didn't know those people showed up to ceremonies and stuff. And it doesn't matter where you live or how big your school is, it WILL have an impact on everyone. And you wouldn't know how many people care for you until you're gone and you can't SEE how many people are at your funeral, crying themselves to sleep, bringing flowers to your grave. Suicide in general is scary, but especially when it's a kid. Everyone has SO much ahead of them- your journey is just beginning.**

**"Not that complicated. Just be happy. You know, umm... Nobody else can make you happy except yourself, so do that first and then don't worry about it. Eventually something great is gonna happen, cause it just does. There's a path- I promise. It's gonna be a good one." -Kendall Schmidt**

**So, as promised, a joke for you.**

**Why did the cookie cry?**

**Cause his mother was a wafer so long!**

**It took me a second, but it got me. I like it. :D**

**Okay. So yeah, review. Share the story, spread the word, save a life! Or just shrug and move on. I dunno what you do with your lives. :D Apparently cool stuff if you read my story! Okay. Bye.**


End file.
